Second Chances
by JulieM
Summary: Just an idea of mine. What if Harm was the one to walk away after Paraguay? COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Just an idea of mine. What if Harm was the one to walk away after Paraguay?

Spoilers: Anything up to 'Tangled Webb.'

Author: JulieM

Disclaimer: I don't own JAG or any of its characters, but just borrow them for a while to exercise my overactive imagination!

Rating: T. A few graphic ideas, rather than actual images.

Category: H/M shipper.

Feedback is always very welcome! (Hint, hint!)

OOOO

Part 1

1352 Local

Accident and Emergency Department,

Glasgow Royal Infirmary,

Scotland, UK.

The young woman strode into the accident and emergency waiting room and took a seat on the far side of the room. In the stroller she pushed in front of her slept her six-week-old daughter. To say that the mother was overdressed was an understatement. What the woman watching the pair from a nearby seat didn't know was that the mother had a friend waiting outside the front of the hospital for her. Shelley O'Connor, an unwitting witness to the tragic events that were about to unfold, turned back to her magazine. Looking up again, she smiled as she saw the baby girl in the pram smile in her sleep.

"Aren't babies just little darlings when they're at this age?" she thought to herself. She remembered it well with her own children.

She would soon be experiencing it again with her own grandchild. Any day now, her oldest daughter would give birth. All of a sudden, the woman in high-heeled boots, stylish-looking clothes and a faux-fur jacket approached her.

"Could I bother you to watch her for just a moment," the young lady requested, "I just need to pop to the loo."

Underneath all of the glitz and make-up, Shelley could see that the young woman was actually younger than she had first appeared to be. If she had to approximate an age, Shelley wouldn't have thought that the young girl was out of her teens. Poor girl, she was still a child herself.

"O'course, love. It wouldnae' be a problem," Shelley told her, good-naturedly, "What a wee flower she is! What a gorgeous wean!"

The young lady just thanked her. Shelley had always been one to attract all of the bairns, even when she was still quite young. She used to earn extra money for her Mammy, watching the children of various neighbours on the estate where she had grown up.

Leaning over into the pram to get a better view of 'this gorgeous wee bairn', Shelley didn't see the baby's Mother lean down to check through the contents of the bag in the tray beneath the stroller. After checking to make sure everything necessary was there, Kim Anderson walked away and out into the hall then continued onwards, without a glance back. Once out at the front of the hospital, she climbed into the car waiting for her and it sped off, without so much as a thought for the baby girl she had just left behind with a total stranger.

OOOO

22 years later…

Stepping out of the airport the tall, attractive westerner took a deep breath, letting the heavy, humid air penetrate his lungs deeply. Most of the locals in the crowd milling around him stopped to glance at him. He seemed to be quite out of place here, his tanned but comparatively pale skin contrasting with that of those around him. A second more of scrutiny revealed a pair of deep, blue/green eyes. Yep, he was out of place here that was for certain. But what none of these observers realised was that this man was not just out of place in this country, but also in himself. A closer look at his eyes would show that they were empty and devoid of emotion. Over the past 72 hours, many emotions had reflected themselves through these beautiful eyes. Hurt, fear, anger, despair and finally emptiness. Just like he felt inside, ever since he had woken aboard the Boeing 747, at 1400 Zulu, this morning. No, not 1400 Zulu. 4am, local time. He was really going to have to get used to this, now. He was no longer a Commander in the US Navy. He was no longer in the US. Here he was, so many hundreds of thousands of miles away from home, in Kuala Lumpur. DC was just a distant memory now and he would have to learn to live without it and all of the people whom he had left there; so many people whom he had loved dearly. Especially one particular person…With that train of thought, Harm quickly cut himself off, before he started to dredge up the painful memories. But it was too late and, unbidden, a visual image flashed itself seemingly across the inside of his eyelids. It was her, kissing the man whom had long been a friend to both himself and to her. God, would there ever be a time when he wouldn't think of her without hurting this much? No, his internal voice told him. He quickly repressed it and set about doing something to distract himself.

Reaching into his carry-on-bag, he fished out his cellphone. Before he had left, Harm had called up the cellphone company and subscribed to something called 'autoroam.' According to the person at the company, it allowed him to make calls home from any country in the world, at the same international call rates of that particular country. He turned his cellphone back on to find that indeed, this seemed to be true. In fact, he was now with a local network whose name he didn't think he could even pronounce. For a second, his internal voice spoke up again. What on earth was he doing here, it told him, in a country whose language he didn't know a word of? He quickly beat it down again. Just then, his thoughts were interrupted by a beaten up little car, a Vauxhall Corsa, which pulled up right next to where he was standing. A small, thin man quickly skipped out of the driver's side and around to where he stood. Seeing that Harm was the only westerner standing in the area, the airport exit that had been designated as the meeting point, he approached Harm, timidly.

"Mister Rabb?"

"Yes, that's right…Are you from Delany, Chung and Bell?"

"Yes, Mister Rabb, my name is Sudi. Sorry I'm so late, but the traffic has been very bad, this afternoon. I'm sure that will be the first thing that you'll notice about KL."

Harm just smiled as Sudi pushed the trolley carrying Harm's suitcase over to trunk of his car.

OOOO

It had been an extremely long week. AJ rubbed his eyes, irritably. They were grainy and tired and it seemed like such a long time since he had gotten some proper sleep. Just then, the buzzer on his office intercom went off and AJ pushed the button, asking his PO, "Yes, Tiner?"

"Sir, I just got a call from the hospital. They told me that Clayton Webb has been moved out of the high-dependency unit in Paraguay. He's still in a serious condition, but it looks like he's going to be okay."

"That's good, Tiner," AJ approved, "Let me know when the Colonel arrives, will you? I want to have plenty of time talking with her, so clear my schedule, for an hour afterwards, okay?"

"Aye, Sir."

This was Colonel Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie's first day back at work. She had been kept overnight in a hospital in Paraguay after her and Webb's ordeal and released the next day. After arriving home, a few days later, AJ had ordered her to stay at home and rest for a few days. He had been surprised when she had complied with his instructions, but he had reasoned that she had been through a lot over the past few weeks and was probably so exhausted that her body had forced her to do so. Goodness knows what she would say when he told her that Harm had resigned his commission. He dreaded to think about it, even hoped that she might arrive to work late, so he would have some extra time to figure out how he was going to tell her this. Sadly, that was not to be for poor AJ for, barely ten minutes later, the buzzer on the intercom went again.

"Sir, I've got the Colonel here to see you and I'm afraid she's very upset…"

AJ quickly went to the door to his inner office and opened it, to find an emotionally distraught Colonel on the other side, being comforted by Tiner and both of the Roberts Lieutenants.

"Sir," she gasped, trying to come to attention, "Commander Rabb's office is empty, Sir…"

AJ gave her a signal to put her at ease, then told her, "Come into my office, Colonel, we've got some things to talk about. And I need to explain…"

He helped her in with a hand supporting her under the elbow, while Tiner, Bud and Harriet watched on, in concern. Once they were settled in his office, AJ spoke up.

"Mac," he told her, comforting her with his informal manner, "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'm just going to plunge straight in…Mac, Harm resigned his commission to go to Paraguay and find you and Webb."

Mac gasped in shock and took a deep breath, assimilating her thoughts.

"And now, Sir?"

"Well, Harm called me just after I heard that you three had been hospitalised. He said that he was fine, that he had discharged himself as soon as possible and was about to journey back here to apprise me of the situation. He was in DC by the next day and came into my office to see me…"

"Was he okay, Sir? I didn't see him after the plane crashed. I only heard from Bud that he'd left the hospital and was on his way home."

"Yes, he was scratched up a bit, but you know him…It was nothing that could slow him down…Anyway, while he was here, he cleaned out his office. I told him that I hadn't processed his resignation, but he told me that his mind was made up…"

"But why, Sir? Why did he leave? It doesn't make sense. The Navy is his whole life."

"He told me that he needed to get away, that there were too many memories here, memories that hurt too much…"

AJ paused as he saw the pain that flashed across Mac's face.

"Sorry, Mac," he apologised, then broached, gently, "What happened in Paraguay?"

"After he was hurt, Webb started talking like…like he was dying…and started saying some things, in his delirious state…I kinda took pity on him and…kissed him. But I didn't know that Harm was watching behind me…"

She paused for a long minute, her teary eyes fixed on the ground in front of her.

AJ gently cleared his throat, after thinking about what would be the best thing to say at that moment. He decided to go with pure honesty.

"You understand, now?" he asked Mac, "You understand exactly what it is that Harm feels for you? When I ordered him to stand down and refused to let him go and find you and Webb, he did anyway. He even resigned his commission to do so. You said yourself…"

"The Navy is his whole life," Mac finished for him, "Yeah, I know…Where is he now, Sir?"

"I don't know, Mac. I've tried calling everyone I can think of. His apartment has been cleaned out, all of his things are gone. The forwarding address that has been given is his Mother's."

"What about his Mother, Sir?" Mac questioned, eagerly.

"Yes, I thought about that, too," AJ told her, "I haven't been able to get hold of his Mother, though. I was thinking that she might know where he is."

"Sir," Mac interrupted him, for a second, "Would it be okay if I tried to get in touch with her? I think that this is probably something that I should be doing…I feel like I owe it to Harm."

"Okay," AJ authorised her and she snapped to attention, their meeting over.

"Dismissed," AJ snapped off a salute in reply and watched Mac leave his office.

"Good grief," he thought to himself, "When are these two ever going to get it together?"

OOOO


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry for the delay. My laptop is now home and in fineworking order, so I'm going to waste no time in making up for the time you had to wait! Enjoy!

OOOO

Part 2

Trish was surprised when the phone rang at eleven o'clock at night, later that week.

"I wonder who that is," Frank commented, from where he was finishing up the paperwork he had brought home with him, that night. Thinking that it would most likely be somebody from work, he picked up the receiver of the phone, to find his Stepson on the other end of the line.

"Hi Frank," Harm greeted him, "Is Mom there? Could I speak to her, please?"

"Yes, of course," Frank readily told him, signalling to Trish, "How are you son, are you okay?"

"Yeah, Frank," Harm assured him, "I'm fine, just a bit jet-lagged, is all."

Then Frank passed the phone over and Trish anxiously questioned Harm,

"Darling? Are you all right? Where are you?"

"Easy there, Mom," Harm joked, then answered, "I'm fine, just jet-lagged. I'm doing okay, I've managed to settle in pretty well, considering how I'm so far away…"

"Where are you, Harm?" Trish was quick to repeat.

"I…I think I'd like some time just to get my head together, before I let that cat out of the bag just yet…Just know that I'm fine and that everything's going well. I've got a job with a private law firm, here. My new apartment is pretty nice and I'm even doing volunteer work on the weekends."

After continuing to reassure his Mother that all was fine, he carefully broached the subject about JAG, back in DC.

"So, you haven't heard anything from the Admiral, have you?"

"No, Darling, I haven't. But Frank and I are only just back from that trip to Florida. I might get a call in the next couple of days…Is there anything in particular that I should tell him?"

"No…no, nothing important…I just wondered if he had called, that's all."

"And if anyone else calls?" Trish questioned, gently, "What should I tell them?"

Harm nervously cleared his throat, then, getting himself together again, told his Mom,

"Uh…if Bud and Harriet or anyone else calls, just tell them as much as I've told you. Explain that I'm getting settled and I'll let everyone know when things have calmed down a bit."

"Do you have any idea when that will be?" Trish asked, gently.

"No…no, hopefully, sometime not too far away…"

But Trish could tell by his voice that it would be a long time before her son had 'settled down.' She had heard nothing about what had happened during his last trip abroad, to go and find Clayton Webb and his partner, Mac. The only thing he had told her, when he arrived home, just over a week before, was that he had managed to get Mac out without serious injury, but that Webb was in a serious condition in a hospital in Paraguay, awaiting approval to be flown home for further medical treatment. It was then that had he told her that he had actually resigned his commission to go in the first place. And now, he had told her, he was planning to go abroad and fill a position at a private law firm, which he had come across through an old friend of his. He had asked her not to ask any questions, but to just trust him on faith. And she had to do it. Goodness knows that he had been there for her when she had needed him, both after his Father had gone MIA and during other times in her life. She had total faith in her son, although she didn't like the thought of him moving to a foreign country, without her having any idea about where he was. But she trusted him. However, this didn't mean that she liked it. She only had to look into his eyes to see the reason why he was running away. His heart had been broken. Just like after he had lost his Father, his eyes seemed to take on that distant, empty look. Everything in her had been screaming at her to grab him, hold him, tie him to a chair if necessary, but to just prevent him from going. But she knew that she couldn't do that, because that would just corrode her ties with him further. She would be able to keep him closer by trusting in him and supporting him, even if he would be virtually a million miles away.

A quiet chat later, Trish bid her son good night and God bless, silently praying with everything in her that he would feel healed enough to tell her where he had gone, soon.

OOOO

It was a bright, sunny day, the next Saturday, when Trish heard the doorbell ring. Quickly slipping the rubber gloves off her hands and placing them back by the sink, she wandered through to find out who had come to call. She was surprised to find a familiar figure in a marine green military uniform standing at the door.

"Mrs. Burnett?"

"Why, Mac! Come in, darling…How have you been? I heard that you've had a pretty rough time, recently…"

She whisked Mac through the big house to the outside veranda, where she guided Mac into a chair, then asked that the housemaid bring some drinks through.

"Are you feeling okay, my dear?" she continued, concerned, "You seem a little peaky…"

"Oh, yes, Mrs B…Trish, I'm fine," she corrected herself at Trish's reproachful look.

The two of them had met on several occasions and Trish had always insisted on being called by her first name.

"I…I just came here to explain about…"

"You don't have anything to explain to me, my dear," Trish quickly interrupted, "My son's choices are his own. You shouldn't be blaming yourself for anything…"

"Trish," Mac requested, "When was the last time you saw Harm? I couldn't help but notice the things from his office that I saw boxed up in the hallway. It's just that Harm disappeared from the hospital in Paraguay, before I even had a chance to speak to him. Bud told me that he had been in contact to let everyone know that he was okay and on his way home. But by the time that I got back to work, his office and his apartment were cleaned out and the Admiral told me that he had resigned his commission. Why did he not come back? The Admiral hadn't even processed his resignation…"

"I have no idea why he decided to leave DC, Mac," Trish told Mac, regretfully, "All that he told me was that he had resigned his commission and that he was leaving DC. Ever since, he's refused to tell me where he is and only tells me to give him some time, to let things settle down. But I know that it's more than that…Tell me, am I right? Is he running away from something…from someone?"

Mac took a deep breath and nodded.

"Yes, I'm afraid that he is…And it's my fault."

Mac paused for a moment to get her thoughts together and Trish put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"You don't have to…" Trish assured her.

"No, I think that I do, Trish," Mac told her, "I feel like I owe it to Harm. Before I left for Paraguay, Harm and I had been having a couple of problems…It seemed like we were never on the same page, you know?"

Trish nodded. That sounded like her son, all right. She had always known that those two were meant for each other, but it seemed that they always managed to encounter one obstacle or another.

"Well," Mac, continued, "Before I left, I managed to get some time to talk to him. I wasn't allowed to tell him where I was going or what I would be getting into, but I'm afraid I did something terribly unfair…"

"Go ahead," Trish encouraged her and Mac continued.

"I backed him into a corner…I confronted him when he wasn't prepared…I accused him of never taking notice of my feelings when he had me in his life, only when I was preparing to leave it. And I walked out on him before he could respond to any of that."

"Oh," Trish nodded, understanding why this had all played out as it had. Her son was not the most articulate when it came to the loves in his life, particularly when confronted with the facts head-on. Sure, he had the gift of gab in the courtroom, goodness knew that he could sell snow to an Eskimo! But everything was different when it came to Mac and the feelings that Trish had always known that he harboured for her. She had pretty much given up on getting him to admit anything to her. How had this managed to go so wrong?

Mac continued, "Well, I had already asked him what he'd give up for me…I told him that there had been plenty of men who had given up everything to be with me…I guess that I kind of implied that he should, too…"

"And you think that is why he gave up his career! Mac, I doubt that he did what he did because of what you said," Trish objected, sceptically, "We all know how Harm feels about you and he'd give his whole life up in a second for you, without any prompting from anyone. He didn't need to be convinced. How can you think that this is your fault?"

"Because it is," Mac insisted, struggling to find the words, "Harm came to find me…Clay had been hurt really badly and even I was starting to think that he wouldn't make it out of there…Although I didn't realise Harm would see us, at the time, Clay told me something I didn't really know how to respond to, which Harm heard."

Trish nodded, understanding, "He told you that he loved you?"

After a rueful nod, Mac continued, "Well, he told me that he needed me. I responded in the only way I knew how…I kissed him…It was nothing like how Harm must have interpreted it, I only meant to give a dying man some comfort in his final hours…But Harm probably didn't perceive it that way it was meant and afterwards, I didn't know what to do about it."

"Did Harm say anything about it?" Trish questioned, gently.

"No, but I knew that he was thinking about it and it was just so hectic after that and I didn't know what to say…Then we crashed in that plane…I didn't even come to until I was in hospital…I didn't know if he was alive or dead, until I managed to get out of bed and check at the nurse's desk. By that time he had already left the hospital. I got the call from Bud, the next day to say that Harm was on his way home…"

By now, Mac was on the verge of tears and Trish pulled her into her warm, comforting arms.

"Oh, Darling," she comforted Mac, "Don't get so upset…We'll work this all out. It may take some time, but I promise that we'll get through to my hard-headed son, one way or another."

OOOO

Mac felt physically and mentally exhausted by the time that she arrived back in DC, that night, but she knew that there was something that needed to be done, whether she felt like it or not. Early that morning, after her flight had taken off for La Jolla, Clay had arrived home on an emergency flight from Paraguay. Bud had assured her, when she had checked in later on, upon her arrival in La Jolla, that he was fine, in a stable condition and being well cared for by the medical staff at Georgetown Hospital. There was so much that had remained unsaid between her and Webb and she owed it to him to explain exactly what she had meant, during those few weeks in Paraguay.

However, Mac found that she didn't have a whole lot of explaining to do.

As she walked into Clay's room in the hospital's high-dependency unit, Clay looked straight up at her as she walked though the door, as if he had known that she was coming.

"Hi there," she greeted him, quietly, "How was your journey home?"

"Don't remember a whole lot," he admitted, chuckling, weakly, "Slept through most of it."

"You feeling okay?"

"Yeah…Just feel like a truck hit, me…I wondered how long it would be before I saw you coming through those doors."

"Webb," Mac spoke up, "I've got some things that I need to explain to you…"

"No, you don't," Webb insisted, the strength in his voice taking Mac by surprise.

On a softer note, he continued, "Everything you felt, or rather, didn't feel, was perfectly obvious to me during those few weeks in Paraguay. I was just deluding myself into believing that you felt the same way. And that kiss told me just that, if not more. I understand, Mac."

"I…I don't know…I do care for you, Clay…Just…"

"Just not in the same way that you do about Rabb," Clay finished off for her, "Yeah, I understand, Mac. I've always known that you and Rabb are destined for each other."

"I don't know about that," Mac cut in, "It's not exactly meant to be, when we're not even in the same country and he's refusing to talk to me."

"Since when has that ever stopped the two of you? Remember when Rabb went to Russia to find his Father? You went after him that time."

"But I was on the same flight as him," Mac pointed out.

"Or when he took off to Russia again, then went to Chechnya to go and find his Brother. You managed to find him, that time."

"I knew where he was going. And I had a lot of help," Mac interjected.

"Did you know where he was when his plane went down in the Atlantic?"

"No, but I had a good geographical idea."

"Rabb's gone after you too, Mac. If this is as important to you as I know it is, then you'll figure out a way."

"I don't know, Clay," Mac replied, morosely, "Even his Mom doesn't know where he is. He won't even tell her."

"Sounds to me like he just needs some time on his own," Clay reflected, "You just have to be patient, Mac. He'll let you know, when he's ready."

"But when will that be?" Mac questioned, frustrated.

"How am I supposed to know?" Clay laughed, jokingly.

Getting in on the joke, Mac teased him, "And you call yourself a spook! You're really slipping, Webb!"

OOOO


	3. Chapter 3

OOOO

Part 3

Harm was bent over his desk, completing paperwork on one of his cases, a few weeks later when there was a knock on his door. It was Victor Bell, one of the senior partners of the company.

"Hi Harm," the good-natured Scots man greeted him, questioning, "Will we see you in Sepadan this weekend?"

"I'll be there," Harm promised him, "We've got a lot that needs done this weekend."

Victor nodded in agreement, commenting, "We have all of that new piping to lay down and a ton of bricks to transport from the ferry terminal."

"It'll get done," Harm promised, "even if I'm still there at midnight."

"Good man," Victor encouraged, before leaving to go check on the rest of the law firm's staff.

Harm had to admit, civilian law here was a lot different than in DC. It had not quite been what he had expected. Maybe if he'd practiced some civilian law back home first, the transition might have been a little easier. He'd had some second thoughts about whether it had been a good idea to come out here. Goodness knows he hadn't wanted to leave his Mom and Frank and all of his friends behind, with no idea where he was going. That had been the hardest aspect of it all, although transition to civilian law here had been a close second. Yeah, civilian law had come as a big shock to him. He missed the excitement of military law. He missed being able to travel so much and all of the people he met through it. He didn't particularly enjoy being stuck behind a desk all day, doing paperwork, but it paid well enough and he was able to pay his bills, with just enough left over to live on. And of course there was Sepadan. It was just what he needed, to fill up the time that would alternatively have been spent moping about and thinking about home…About her. But, now that he looked back on it, he saw just how much of a Godsend it was when Vic had mentioned the charity the firm sponsored and helped out on the weekends. Even though he wasn't required to, Harm spent all of his weekends there, helping get basic amenities and the like delivered and installed into the small Malay village which was cut off from the rest of the developed areas of North Malaysia. He had made a lot of friends during his time there, had even started a relationship…well, a friendship, really. Was that quite the word for it, or was it somehow…more? Cate. Cate was a worker with the British Red Cross, who was permanently stationed in the village. Harm had to admit, for some reason he felt so drawn to her, although she was much younger than he was. She was an interesting person and knew what it was like to make an escape, to run off, far from home and start your whole life over again. Harm felt like he could talk to her. She understood how he felt, keeping the truth from his family and friends. She had family back in the UK who didn't know where she was either. Only, she had never contacted them. She was the one who had encouraged him to keep in touch with the people back home. She had even suggested that he let his Mom know where he was. But could he do that? Would that not just open that huge can of worms that he had closed the door on, when he had left?

Harm thought about it some more, that night, when he went home. He could always ask his Mom not to tell anyone else…But that wouldn't be fair. He had friends who where like family to him, back home, waiting for news from him too. He had a godson, whom he still had a great responsibility to…But then again, his godson also had a godmother, the very person whom had brought about his decision to move away in the first place. What was he going to do?

Giving up on the subject for the night, Harm pushed it to the back of his mind. He reached over and picked up the old cellphone that he kept on the bedside table. He had since bought himself a new one for work, but had kept the one he had brought from home. He couldn't bring himself to have it cut off, always made the excuse that people had to be able to contact him in the case of an emergency, but still, he always kept it at home, switched off. Heavens knew he could live a bit more comfortably if he wasn't paying the line rental on it, but it wasn't so bad as he never used it for phone calls. Instead, every night before he went to bed, he checked his answer service to make sure that nobody from back home was trying to get in urgent touch with him. He hadn't received any messages from anyone lately, because they all knew that he wasn't going to answer his phone. Still, he couldn't help but wish that he had but one particular message on there, just the one. Recently, all he had been getting was silent messages. He had tried time and time again to listen for any sign of who had been calling him, but when he had drawn blank, he simply presumed that it must be a wrong number or an accidental call from another cellphone. Still, this didn't settle his nerves any or give him respite from the worries plaguing him.

OOOO

It was a few weeks later, when AJ was sitting in his office that Tiner buzzed through on the intercom.

"Admiral, Sir, it's Comm…it's Harm on line one to speak to you. He's calling long distance."

"Thank you Tiner," AJ told him, surprised.

He quickly picked up the receiver and punched the button for line one.

"Harm? Is that you?"

"Yes, Sir. It's me…"

"You don't have to call me 'Sir,' son, you know that," AJ told him, reproachfully then asked, "How are you doing?"

"I'm doing well, AJ," Harm assured him, "In fact, that's why I'm calling. I think that I've pretty much settled in and I just wanted to let you know that I'm doing fine."

"Thanks for letting us know," AJ told him, genuinely, "We're all going to be resting better knowing it. I managed to speak to your Mom, last week and she filled me in on everything that you'd let her know. You're doing civilian law now, huh?"

"Yeah, that's right," Harm confirmed, "It's pretty different, I'll tell you."

AJ chuckled and they continued to chat for a while. AJ asked nothing about where Harm was and Harm himself was grateful that AJ respected his decision enough not to do so. Before Harm rang off, AJ asked him,

"Have you spoken to your Mom recently? Did she let you know that Mac had been to see her?"

"Yeah," Harm confirmed, "She told me that. She said that she had let Mac know that I'm fine and am getting settled in here. How is she, AJ?"

"She's lost without you, Harm," AJ admitted, adding, "Goodness knows, we all are. I don't think that she understands why you did everything that you did without telling her, but she seems to accept that you need time to yourself, right now."

"And Webb? How's he doing?"

"Oh, he's getting on well. The Roberts are helping him out an awful lot and so are some of the other staff members…"

"That's great, AJ…Listen, I'd better get going, now…I'll call again soon and let you know how things are going. Thanks for understanding."

"It's nothing, son. Just you take care of yourself and make sure that you keep in good contact with your Mom. You know how she must worry, when you're out there on your own."

"I will, AJ," Harm promised, "Goodbye."

"Goodbye, Harm," AJ bid him, putting the receiver down after he was done. He quickly stood up, meaning to go to Mac's office to let her know that he had heard from Harm and that he was okay. However, he walked out into the bullpen and found a crowd of staff members still crowded around Tiner's desk. Try as he might, AJ just couldn't bring himself to be angry that they had been listening in on his conversation with Harm. They were as close to him as he was and he knew that they had only ever been worried about him, while he had been missing.

"Alright, people," he told them, "As you were."

They all quickly made their ways back to their desks and offices and he crossed the bullpen to tap softly on Mac's door.

At her authorisation to enter, he poked his head around the door.

"Sir," she quickly came to attention when she saw that it was him, "Please, come in and take a seat."

He did so and was quick to inform her, "Colonel…Mac, I just had a phone call from Harm…"

"Was he okay, Sir?" she quickly asked.

"Yes, he seemed okay. I get the impression that he's not entirely settled there, but he seemed all right. He admitted that he's finding it difficult getting to grips with civilian law."

Mac smiled, softly, remembering her own time practicing civilian law.

"Yeah, Sir. Civilian law is the pits. I never thought that I'd see the day when he crossed over to the dark side."

AJ just smiled, nodding, then continued, "He's okay, Mac. He just needs some more time."

Mac just nodded, understanding, but still not liking the fact very much.

After assuring her that Harm would come around, eventually, he left her on her own, to get on with her work.

OOOO

When Mac paid a visit to the Georgetown hospital, that night, to visit Clay and see how he was coming on, she was surprised to find him peculiarly upbeat.

After giving him a questioning look, he just smiled and reached over to his beside table, picking up a small sheet of paper.

"Looks like this spook's got his groove back," he told her, "I found him, Mac…do you want this?"

Mac took a deep breath, of two minds of how to respond. She took the paper from him and raised her eyebrows in surprise as she read it.

"Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia?"

"Yep," Clay confirmed, "Seems that Harm has a friend there who told him about an empty position in their law firm, Delany, Chung and Bell. This Barry Delany was a couple of years ahead of Harm at Annapolis, but it took a bit of digging to find that out, because neither Sturgis nor Keeter remember anything about him. He went abroad over ten years ago, so it was hard to track him down. He's been positioned all over Asia and only got his partnership position in KL a few years ago…so, what do you think you'll do?"

"I don't know," Mac admitted, honestly, "He obviously wants a bit of time, so I guess I'll have to give him that…But I don't know how long I can wait. First of all, I'll let his Mom and Frank know. Then I'll let the Admiral know, to see how he thinks we should proceed. But I think that he seems to have the same faith in Harm."

"Yeah," Clay agreed, "but whatever you decide to do, I want you to know that I wish you and Harm all the luck and happiness in the world."

"Thanks, Clay," Mac thanked him, her mind finally at rest.

OOOO


	4. Chapter 4

OOOO

Part 4

When Mac got home, she did the usual task before retiring to bed. Curling up on her couch, she picked up her cellphone and dialled a familiar number. As a click sounded, she closed her eyes and focussed on the comforting voice of the man she loved. Even if it was just a voicemail message, it settled her to no end, because it was the only link that she now had to him. That night, for the first time in months, Mac actually slept well, knowing at least where Harm was and that he'd let everyone at JAG know when he was ready.

Mac was surprised when she got a phone call, the next day.

"Ma'am, Comm…Mrs. Burnett is on line two to speak to you," Tiner told her.

"Trish?" Mac answered, when she had punched the button for the second line.

"Hi Mac, my dear. How are you doing?" Trish answered.

"I was actually going to call you…I got some news from Clayton Webb…"

"Harm's in Kuala Lumpur, Mac," Trish spoke up.

"Yes," Mac confirmed, "That's what Clay told me."

"Harm called me last night, Mac, but he asked me not to pass his address around to everyone. Did Clay let you know exactly where Harm is living?"

"Yes, he gave me an address, but I've decided that I'm not going to use it until I know that Harm is ready to speak to me."

"That's a wise decision," Trish agreed, "I think that it's important that we respect what he wants. But how are you, my dear? Are you doing okay?"

Here, Mac didn't know quite what to say, at first, but went with the plain and simple truth.

"Well…I'm okay, I guess…But it's hard…It's so incredibly hard, Trish."

"I know, darling," Trish comforted her, "I know it must be…"

"I really miss having him here, you know? He always used to be my rock when I needed one. Even just the little things…but now, I…I just feel lost…"

"You know you can call or come to see me, any time you need to," Trish comforted her again, "Frank and I are always here if you need us or if you just need somebody to talk to."

"Thank you, Trish," Mac told her, gratefully, "I'll keep that in mind when I'm having a bad day or am feeling like a spare part. I'd better get going, now, but I'll talk to you again soon."

"Okay," Trish confirmed, "Speak to you soon, my dear. Goodbye."

"Good bye, Trish," Mac told the woman and put the receiver down.

Did she really have the strength to do this? She didn't really know, but she was going to give it her best try, anyway.

OOOO

The coming weekend allowed Harm some more time to escape from the nightmare he had been living in since his venture to Paraguay. As the water taxi pulled up to the jetty of Sepadan village, Harm smiled as he saw the familiar figure waiting for him up on the mainland.

"Hi Cate," he greeted her as he made his way up, "How are things going this weekend?"

She looked across to him and grinned that cheeky grin of hers, from where she was balanced precariously on the handrail of the jetty.

"Hi there!" she replied, "Things haven't been too bad, this week."

The previous week, there had been a spate of crocodile attacks up and down the river and several people had required surgical treatment, although miraculously, there had been no fatalities except for somebody's pet mongrel.

"We had a bit of an ordeal with some of the new piping we put in last weekend," Cate continued to explain, "It started leaking late on Tuesday night. It had to be staunched by torchlight, but it didn't take too long to repair. I just can't stand it that people think that they can get away with giving us shoddy materials, because it's a donation and they're getting nothing out of it."

Cate hopped down from the banister and bid goodbye to the bunch of local children whom she had been talking to before Harm had arrived.

"You all excited about starting work in the school on Monday?" Harm asked her.

"Are you kidding! I'm a nervous wreck!" She exclaimed, "What if I come out with some wrong words? I'll look like an idiot! I knew that it was a bad move to let Ridwan teach me the swear words first!"

Harm let out a bark of laughter. Yep, that sounded like Ridwan, teaching the local aid workers how to swear in Malay. He was a nice enough guy, if not a little rowdy and liberal with the rice wine at special gatherings. Harm had warmed to him over time, though, as the man had tried his best to stick to English when Harm was in their company, although it proved to be difficult for him.

At that moment, the object of their discussion came wandering by, with a handful of drinks for the newly arrived workers.

"Hey, Harm-man!" he exclaimed, jovially, "How you today?"

"Good," Harm told him, "Very good today. Ready to do lots of work!"

"Bagus…," Ridwan forgot himself, then translated, "Very good…You want drink, man?"

He held up his handful of small plastic bags full of soft drink. This was one of Harm's fondest of the local customs, sipping cola out of a small plastic bag through a straw. Today, however, Harm took not cola, but a strong tasting local drink that tasted like root beer. This mistake proved to be far from nice on the taste buds, so he passed it off to Cate.

"What, you don't like it?" she grinned at the look on his face.

"It tastes ghastly! What on earth is it?"

"Sarsi," Cate told him, "It's one of the popular soft drinks out here. Kinda like root beer. Looks like Cola, doesn't it?"

"Soft!" Harm laughed, "There's nothing soft about that! It hits you like a ton of bricks!"

Cate just scoffed and taunted him, "Ha! You big girl's blouse!"

OOOO

After they had met up with the rest of the volunteers from Delany, Chung and Bell, Cate wandered off to go make one of the many daily trips to the market. Harm and the others started to dig the main tract of ditch from the main pipeline through the village. After this was done, the pipes were carried from the jetty, where they had been dropped off. All that day, it was hard work fixing together the water lines to all of the houses, in the humid and sweltering 100 degree heat. By the time that they broke for lunch, Harm was soaked through.

"I think you should start adopting the local style of dress," Cate joked as she joined him in the lunch line.

Harm just laughed at the thought of walking around in flip-flops and a wrap around batik sarong.

"I don't think so!" he told Cate, "I wouldn't wear a skirt for anybody!"

"It's not a skirt," Cate laughed, "Well, not exactly. And it would be a lot cooler than wearing shorts and trainers."

"Skirts," Harm insisted, giving a small poke at the batik sarong Cate was wearing, "are for women, not men. I'm fine the way I am."

"Plenty of men wear 'skirts', look around you," Cate pointed out, quietly.

"Yes," Harm joked back, quietly, "Well I'm sure you see nothing unusual in it, but _your national dress_ is a 'skirt.' You wouldn't catch any of the guys I know wearing one!"

"Okay," Cate backed down, "If you insist…but you'll change you're mind soon enough. The temperature's predicted to rise even further, today."

Harm just groaned and proceeded to dig into his veggie dhal.

OOOO


	5. Chapter 5

OOOO

Part 5

Cate had been right; the temperature had gone on to soar that afternoon. He had continued to sweat away, digging the tracts of ditches, while Cate returned from another trip to the market. Looking up, Harm noted how she looked much cooler than he did, despite the fact that she was carrying what looked to be forty pounds of food supplies in a wicker basket balanced on top of her head.

"Enjoying your sauna?" she shouted over to him, teasingly.

"Yeah," Harm jibed back, "You won't be laughing when you're a good three inches shorter! You're vertically challenged as it is!"

Cate's short stature was a point of much of the joking among the aid workers at Sepedan. She was constantly complaining about how her height, coupled with her youthful looks, made it virtually impossible sometimes to get alcoholic drinks whenever the group made the journey into KL, on a night out.

Harm continued working away until he was interrupted by his boss and old friend, Barry Delaney.

"Let's call it a day, Harm," Barry announced, "As dedicated as I know you are, tomorrow's another day. Get a quick wash and something to eat, then everyone will be congregating on the jetty, ready for the speedboat trip back down river."

Harm proceeded to have something to eat, but he didn't get washed up, intending to leave that until he got home, where there was hot running water. Instead, he made his way to the jetty, where Cate was perched in her usual balance along the jetty's handrail. This time, Harm's protective instinct kicked in.

"Hey," he told Cate, "You're going to fall if you're not careful."

"I'm a big girl, Harm. I can handle myself," Cate replied, rolling her eyes and for a second transporting Harm back to another time and place.

"I'd still prefer you get down and use one of the seats over there," he insisted, helping Cate down from the narrow, flimsy handrail and guiding her over to the seats by the pontoon of the jetty.

Once they were seated, Cate approached the situation cautiously.

"Where were you, just then?" she asked, obviously having noticed that he had drifted off in thought, "Were you back home?"

"Something like that," Harm evaded.

"You don't talk much about it," Cate persisted, "How come you ended up here?"

"I might ask you the same question," Harm dodged, again, "You don't talk about why you decided to come here."

"It was as far as I could get, on my one-way plane ticket," Cate replied, honestly.

Harm looked at her for a second then ventured, "You might say that I came here to forget."

"Then I'd say that we're birds of a feather," Cate commented.

Harm just smiled, then questioned, "So where exactly is it that you call home?"

Cate's Scottish accent had been the first thing that he had noticed about her. The mere fact that it wasn't too strong and that he could understand her, suggested to him somewhere in south to mid-Scotland, although he really didn't know much about the country's geography.

"Glasgow," Cate told him, then questioned, "And you?"

"Washington D.C.," Harm replied.

That was as far as either of them were willing to venture, that weekend, although it took them one step closer together.

They both remained in silence, seated on the pontoon, waiting for the small speedboat that would whisk Harm back to the city.

OOOO

It was in a deep sweat that Harm jolted awake, later that night. It was a recurring dream about Paraguay, which had woke him out of a sound sleep. Only this time, he hadn't arrived in time to save Mac. Each time he had the recurring dream, it was a different variation. Mac had been stabbed in the chest, or shot in the head or any variation of a very grizzly, very graphic ending to such a vibrant, lively spirit. And every time, Harm had sobbed whole-heartedly, even after he had woken from his nightmare. Tonight was no different and he couldn't wipe tonight's image of Mac hanging from a roof beam by her neck, blue in the face while Clayton Webb lay gasping for breath in the corner. Even though Harm knew it to be just a figment of his imagination, he cried for the woman whose memory had tortured him over the last few of months. It was almost as if he really had lost her to death and was now only just allowing himself to grieve for her.

OOOO

It was a sunny day, at around the same time that Mac drove along the long driveway and up to the enormous, beachside house. Trish Burnet had invited her up for Thanksgiving dinner and feeling the need to be close to a surrogate family at that time of year, she had readily accepted. She ignored the little voice inside her head, which added that she would also be close to the memory of Harm, too. Ever since she had made her decision to give him the time that he needed, Mac had decided that it might be easier if she just put all thoughts of Harm out of her mind. It was easier said than done, when everything in her life reminded her of him: his mug that still lay in the cupboard at work; the large courtrooms where she used to argue cases against him; McMurphy's, where they had spent some of their best and worst times together. Together being the focal word. No matter what had been going on in their lives, good or bad, they had always been together. Now, she even missed the supportive sensation of his hand on her back, when they were jostling through the crowds of press reporters outside the courtrooms. God, she had to admit to herself, she missed him terribly!

It wasn't long before Mac was welcomed into the warm atmosphere of the Burnett household. Trish had allowed her a few hours to settle in, after her early morning flight into La Jolla and her car ride from the airport. Mac wasn't sure whether it was done purposely, but Trish had also put her into the room next to Harm's childhood bedroom. And Mac couldn't help going into his room, just to try and get a bit closer to the memory of the man she still loved with all her heart.

It seemed a little strange, at first. She did feel a little like she was an invader of this peaceful snippet of time. There was an old Thunderbirds duvet on the bed and Mac smiled as she imagined a young Harm climbing out of it each morning, his hair still mussed and unkempt. There were also lots of photos around the room, each one in a photograph frame. One of baby Harm with his Mom and Dad, taken before Harm Senior went missing. One of him and his old friends Luke Pendry, Jack Keeter and Dianne Schonke. Looking at this old photo made Mac realise with a little jolt just how much she and Dianne had resembled each other, even at that age.

Right by his bedside was a more recent photo of Harm and his Mom and Stepdad, taken around the time of the first trip to Russia, judging by the way Harm looked in the photo. Looking around his room was like being in a time warp, seeming as if not a day had passed since Harm had spent much of his childhood and teenage years here.

However, before Mac left, she noticed the small Poleroid photograph taped to the corner of his desk, with 1981 written in the top corner of it in pink highlighter ink. It seemed to show a young Harmon Rabb, probably about seventeen or so, seated in an old hospital chair. After a second of close perusal, Mac realised that in it he was holding the tinniest little baby in his arms and gazing down on it in awe. She had no idea whose this baby could have been whom he was holding, but it was clear to see that he was enraptured by the tiny child, who was on a respirator and was surrounded by coils of snaking tubes and drips. Mac sensed that this was not something that she should ask questions about. If Harm had never told her himself, then there was probably a good reason for it.

OOOO


	6. Chapter 6

OOOO

See part 1 for disclaimer...

Part 6

Mac woke up in a sound sweat that night, the tears still pouring from her eyes. In her dream, one that replayed almost every night, she reviewed the last moments of their flight, before Harm was swallowed up by darkness. Only, this time, she felt within her heart that Harm had not survived. Her heart ached with the emptiness, even after she had woken up, because it felt like she truly had lost the man she loved. Just how much longer could she go on like this?

When Mac came down for lunch the next day, she found Trish on the phone. Thanksgiving dinner had been a beautiful, lavish affair the night before and Mac had been too stuffed to even contemplate coming to breakfast, that morning.

She caught Trish having an argument on the phone with her son, who had called to wish her a happy Thanksgiving.

"Well, Harmon, I really don't care how you feel, anymore, she's here and it's time that you told her what is going on…"

At that moment, Mac froze, hearing Harm's name and realising that they were obviously arguing about her.

Trish gave a long sigh and hung up the phone, obviously after Harm had hung up on her.

"I really don't know what has come over him, Mac," she lamented, "I never raised my son to put the phone down on his own mother like that. And I certainly never raised him to desert his friends like he has."

"Trish," Mac interrupted, "You really shouldn't blame Harm for this. He's not the one who caused it all…"

"This is nobody's fault," Trish insisted, "But running away is no way to solve anything. Every time I speak to him, he seems more and more disconcerted and more unlike his old self. I just don't know what to do…He's asked me to give him time, but how am I supposed to support him in this when I know that it's only making him more and more unhappy? I'm his Mother, I know everything that he's feeling…"

"I know Trish," Mac comforted the woman, pulling her into a hug, "Everyone else at JAG feels just as helpless…"

They went and sat out on the veranda and settled into a long heart to heart.

"I know Harm wants us to give him time," Mac concluded, later, "but every single day, it just never gets any easier…I don't know how much longer I can do this…I get so lonely sometimes, I ring his voicemail, just to hear the sound of his voice. The other week, I even found the web page of his law firm in KL on the internet and contemplated sending him an e-mail…How can I possibly do as he wishes when it is this hard?"

Trish took a long breath and pondered for a minute.

"You shouldn't, Mac," Trish finally spoke up, "I know how devastated my son feels and I know how lonesome you feel…You shouldn't do as he says. This all needs to come out into the open. Go and find him Mac. Make him face all of this, because that is the only way either of you can carry on with your lives."

Mac internally assessed what Trish had told her then asked, "But what should I tell him?"

"Tell him what's in your heart," Trish replied, "Tell him everything that you've told me. He needs to see that he's not the only one who is hurting."

With that, Mac thanked Trish and ran upstairs to pack her bags.

OOOO

It was with sleepy eyes that Harm woke up the next morning. He had hardly slept at all until three o'clock this morning and it was only just gone five, now. He didn't know what had possessed him to speak that way to his mother, the day before. Christ, he had even slammed the phone down on her! And on Thanksgiving, too! He couldn't help but argue that he didn't have an awful lot to be thankful about. Here he was, thousands of miles away from his home on such a special occasion and still, his Mother was pressuring him about Mac. God, would it never end? Harm didn't think that he could put up with the pain for much longer. One thing was for sure; he had to put things right with his Mom. That was one thing that he could not allow to torture him even one minute longer. Grabbing up the phone, he called the house number in La Jolla. It would be late evening, on the day after Thanksgiving day, so he was confident his Mom would be there. Hopefully, since Mac would have gone back to DC for work, his Mom wouldn't give him any pressure about that subject anymore. But he was wrong. After a long and very sincere apology to his Mom, Harm finished,

"I know there was no excuse for it, Mom, but the pain is still very fresh…I just don't think that I can deal with it all, yet…"

"Harmon, I will not change my opinion on the matter," Trish was quick to stop him, "You aren't the only one hurting, you know."

"Mom, I'm sorry about the way I'm going about this, but there really was no other way…The door had to be closed on this."

"No, Harmon, the door has not been closed on anything. The hurt is still there and it always will be, until you and Mac finally sort things out."

"Well, Mom, that is not something that is not going to happen…I'm just not willing…"

"You have no choice in the matter, Harm, you're not the only person involved. How do you think Mac feels? You may not like the fact that things are going to have to be resolved, but it is still going to happen, none-the-less."

"What?" Harm halted his Mother, momentarily confused, "What do you mean, 'still going to happen'? Do you think I'm going to change my mind? I'm not…I'm not coming home, Mom."

"You don't have to, Harm," Trish insisted, "You may refuse to speak to her, but she's going to speak to you…She's on her way back to DC, then she'll be flying out to you."

"WHAT!" Harm exclaimed, loudly, "She's coming here? How does she know where I am? Did you let her know? I asked you not to…"

"I didn't Harm," Trish quickly cut in, "Clayton Webb found out and told her."

Here, Harm burst out laughing, just at the irony of it. Clayton Webb, who had pushed them apart in the first place was now trying to push them back together again. Was there no end to it?

"How the hell did he find out anyway? No, you don't have to answer that, Mom. He is a spook after all…What am I going to do now? How am I supposed to deal with this?"

"Harm, the only thing I can tell you is to think with your heart for once," Trish told her son.

"I have no heart anymore, Mom," Harm pointed out, "It seems to have shrivelled away after all of the abuse and rejection."

"Don't talk that way, Harmon," Trish scolded her son, "Goodness knows, you've had more to deal with in your life, more heartache than this. Your Father, my marriage to Frank…Dianne. Your heart was still there, the day you first met Mac, wasn't it?"

Harm noted, distractedly that even now she was still in denial, still not admitting it, even after all of these years…But that's how Mothers were about their children; very fragile. It had always been his Mother's way of coping and he had always respected it. Still, she was right. This was something he had to face, whether he wanted to or not.

"Okay, Mom," he acquiesced.

"Does that mean that you're willing to hear her out?" Trish questioned.

"I'll listen, but I can't promise to feel anything," Harm replied, stubbornly.

"Well, that's something," Trish pondered to herself. Now all she could do was leave them to it and hope that Mac could break through the shield that Harm held in front of himself.

"When is Mac arriving, Mom?" Harm continued.

OOOO

It was a long night, that night. Harm tossed around in bed for the first few hours, then gave up even trying to sleep at all. He doddered around work, all of the next day, having gotten so little sleep. Around lunchtime, Barry Delany entered his office on a routine head counting mission for the coming weekend. Because the next day was a Friday and a public holiday, he had been hoping that a lot of work would be getting done in Sepadan over the long weekend.

"So Harm," He questioned, "Will you be joining us in Sepadan, tomorrow?"

"Sorry, Barry," Harm apologised, "I'm going to be tied up tomorrow. I've got an old friend coming into town…But count me in for Saturday and Sunday."

"Oh…Okay, very good," Barry commented, but Harm could tell that he was surprised. Harm had dedicated every spare day he had to the aid work in the small village since he had started work at Delany, Chung and Bell. Maybe, if he managed to get it through to Mac that he had moved on with his life soon enough, he could get his life back to normal quickly. But he was underestimating the resolve of the feisty marine.

OOOO


	7. Chapter 7

See part 1 for disclaimer

Part 7

Harm was in the airport early on the Friday morning. Mac's flight was a bit late and none of the coffee bars or restaurants in the flight terminal were open yet, so Harm just contented himself to sit on one of the cold steel chairs across from the flight gate. He'd totally lost track of time, when he saw people start to emerge from the gate, half an hour later. He contemplated standing up, then decided to remain sitting, at least until he had caught sight of Mac, when she suddenly walked into view. Before she caught sight of him, he managed to study her for a few seconds. Her hair was a bit longer than he remembered it and she had lost weight. He surmised that she had probably lost the weight while she was recuperating from the trip to Paraguay. The journey had also taken its toll on her, judging by the tired way than she pulled her wheel-along-case behind her. Her eyes regained some of their life when they alighted upon him. Silently and slowly, she made her way over to where he was just getting to his feet. After an awkward silence, he was the first to speak. But he kept the conversation clearly neutral.

"How was your flight?"

The indifference that he spoke with stung Mac to the core, but she tried to keep from showing it, recovering quickly with,

"Long. I bet the jet-lag is going to be bad…Your Mom and Frank send their love. So does everyone at JAG."

They silently made their way to Harm's car and spent the journey with Mac trying to make conversation. Unfortunately, it was mostly one-sided. When she enquired about it, Harm told her briefly about his new job, but steadfastly steered away from anything that hinted at being too personal. The day passed much that way and Mac was too tired to put up much of a fight. When night came, Harm too began to grow weary, lowering his defences just a little. They were sitting in the living room, having just finished dinner.

"As always, dinner was great. Thanks Harm," Mac complemented him.

"That's not what you said, that time on the Watertown," Harm commented, without thinking.

Mac just froze and looked at him for a second, studying his demeanour. He looked tired. No, tired wasn't the word for it. He looked exhausted. It looked as if he wasn't getting any sleep, either.

"Harm," Mac broached the subject, "I'm sorry about that time, about everything…"

Harm immediately stood up and backed away.

"Not now, Mac," he evaded, "I'm going to go and get everything for setting up the sofa for you, then I think that we should both get some sleep."

OOOO

The next morning, Harm was awake early. He had slept well, the night before, but would not let his mind acknowledge that it was because Mac was so much closer again.

She was still asleep on the couch when he walked into the open kitchen for his breakfast. Munching on his breakfast cereal, he took the time to study her again, while she was asleep and all of her defences were down. Yep, she was certainly much skinnier, even more so than he had seen her in Paraguay…when she hadn't had the baby suit on, that was. Here, Harm stopped the train of thought…It would just lead him back to the hurt that he had been trying to get past over the last few months. But could it be that she had been missing him? Missing him like he had been missing her…

"No!" his mind shouted, "You weren't missing her, you were only missing your old life back in DC. Don't let her in, it'll only cause you more hurt."

Harm's resolve hardened once more and he forced himself to look away from her. He tossed his breakfast dish into the sink with a clatter, startling Mac awake in the process. Without a second thought, he walked back into the bedroom to grab his carry-all so that he could leave for the ferry terminal on the other side of the city.

Mac simply watched as he walked towards the front door from her place on the couch.

"Help yourself to anything in the fridge," He told her, "I'll be back sometime this evening."

The door closed behind him and Mac gave into the tears that had been threatening since her arrival in KL.

OOOO

It was late evening when Harm came in from work, that night. Mac had surprised him by ordering a take away dinner from a nearby restaurant. When they sat down to dinner, Mac noted, "You seem quite casually dressed for work. Was it because it's a Saturday?"

"The firm doesn't work on Saturdays. We spend weekends helping a small village that the firm sponsors. It's up north and is pretty basic. Because it's so cut off from the industrialised region of the country, we help them with getting their supplies in, all of their repairs and upgrade work."

"The village is rural? Is your firm the only people helping them? What other help do they get?" Mac questioned, interested.

"The British Red Cross has been helping out full-time and we try and volunteer as much as we can on vacations and weekends, but there's a lot that needs done in an area as isolated as that. Until modernisation and transport reach the village, our help is about the best they're going to get," Harm told her.

"Do you work there on Sundays, as well?" Mac questioned, "Do you think I could come along and help out?"

Harm just shrugged, feigning indifference.

"Sure," he told her, "If you want to. It's pretty hard going in the heat and the humidity here, though."

"I'd like to help," Mac insisted. She also hoped that if she could spend some more time with Harm, she might be able to break some of his defences down and talk him around.

OOOO

Early the next morning, Mac and Harm were at the small ferry terminal, waiting for the speedboat that would whisk them away to Sepadan. Harm seemed to have softened a bit in his attitude towards her during the night and Mac gladly took his offer of a hand when she went to climb into the rocking speedboat. After the rocking had eased, Mac found herself enjoying the trip, which speeded them out of the filthy, industrially polluted waters and took them up a river that looked virtually untouched by man. The towering banks of earth and the dense tropical rainforest on either side of them left Mac transfixed by its beauty. Seeing Mac's reaction to the beauty that he always admired, every trip he made up here, Harm commented to her, "It's really something, isn't it?"

Unable to find words to describe it, Mac simply nodded, words thankfully being unnecessary at that moment.

They darted further on up the river, where they passed several villages, all of the traditional Malay longhouses being raised up on stilts above the swampy riverbanks. Children played in the water close to the riverbank or played along the stilted walkways between the houses, pausing in their games to wave at the passing speedboat. Harm, Mac and the boatman waved back, the boatman shouting back in reply, "Selamat Pagi!"

"It means 'good morning' in Malay", Harm told Mac, "All the people here are pretty friendly, especially the children. You'll soon find that when we arrive at Sepadan."

Mac found that he was right, when they pulled up at the jetty of Sepadan village. There was a large group of school children waiting for the arrival of aid workers on the pontoon. They all greeted Harm enthusiastically, as he was quite well known to them all. They also quickly noticed Mac and went to Harm to get him to introduce the newcomer. Harm was barely able to hear anything over the babble and chattering of all of the excited children. Just then, Cate made her way through the children, playfully scolding them in Malay for being so over-zealous around the guests.

"Mr. Rabb," Cate turned to Harm, "I think the children would like you to introduce them to your friend."

"Cate, children, this is Sarah MacKenzie, an old friend of mine from back home in DC. Mac, this is Cate, she's an aid worker here with the British Red Cross and is a teacher in the village school."

"It's nice to meet you," Mac shook Cate's hand, "Please, just call me Mac."

"It's nice to meet you, Mac," Cate replied, "Thanks for coming to spend the day here. We sure could use an extra pair of hands."

All of the children were now shaking Mac's hand in turn, fascinated by the attractive westerner.

"All right, you lot, sekola! Back to school, now! We're never going to get your schoolwork finished with you all down here. And English the lessons will have to wait until next Thursday…It was nice meeting you Mac. I'll see you both later."

With that, Cate retreated, flocking her swarm of children back up towards the village school. Harm and Mac went up towards where the rest of the volunteers from Delaney, Chung and Bell were gathered, about to hear of the assignments of the day's tasks.

OOOO

Once they were hard at work, loading bricks into a cart, Mac turned to Harm.

"It seems like you're getting on well here," she commented.

"Yeah," Harm responded, non-comitally, "They've really made me feel welcome."

Mac just breathed a big sigh and pleaded, "Please Harm… could you not act like this…."

"Like what?" Harm responded, defiantly.

"Like this!" Mac exclaimed, "I can't stand the way that you're acting with me…Like I'm not even there, like you just don't care anymore…"

"I don't Mac," Harm lied, "It's over…I've moved on. I've got a new life and I'm happy. I know that may be hard for you to accept, but that doesn't make it any less true."

"So you don't care about us anymore?" Mac asked, her heart aching, "Is that it?"

"There was no 'us,' Mac," Harm stated cruelly, "At one time, I did think there may have been something there…but you proved me wrong…You and Webb."

"There was nothing between me and Webb…" Mac protested.

"That's not what it looked like to me!" Harm threw back, "What, you lost your balance and fell on his lips?"

"NO!" Mac shouted, then lowered her voice again, "I was scared…I thought he was dying."

"Oh, yeah," Harm jibed, "I forgot, that's the only way you know how to react when a man shows some very slight interest…"

Instantly, he knew that he'd gone too far.

Mac just looked at him, hurt. No, that look was beyond hurt. It was that day before the Jagathon again. Desolation: that was the word to describe a look like that. Mac didn't know what to do. She dropped the bricks she had picked up and turned and strode away.

God, would there ever be a time when she wouldn't have to hurt anymore? Maybe Harm was right. Maybe it would be easier to walk away…no, there was no way that she'd let that smug bastard get the best of her. Striding past the school, she noticed all of the children running out through its doorway. It sounded funny not to hear the shrill noise of a bell, like happened in every other school she had known. Mac sat down for a minute on the wall around the schoolyard, and got herself together. When she next looked up, she saw Cate walking out through the front doors of the school. Cate smiled as she recognised Mac and made her way over to her.

"Hi!" she greeted her, "The humidity here is something else, isn't it?"

Mac nodded, noting, "I thought that I might be prepared, coming from the US. It gets pretty hot there during the summer, but this humidity is like nothing I've ever encountered. I've lived in Japan before, but even that's nothing like here."

"It was something that I had difficulty getting used to, when I first came here," Cate agreed, "Even now, it sometimes gets to me a bit and I've been here since I was sixteen…"

"How long have you been here?" Mac asked her, adding, "If you don't mind me asking…"

"This is my sixth year here," Cate replied, "Which makes me…"

"Twenty-two! Really?" Mac exclaimed, "Sorry, I just know plenty of people who would love to hear your secret for looking as young for your age as you do."

"Yeah, that's what a lot of people here say," Cate chuckled, "I'm pretty much used to it, now. It never really used to happen that much…I managed to get out to KL okay…anyway, it's pretty hot out here. How about we go and find shelter and something to drink?"

OOOO

AN: I'd like to give a big thank you to all of those awesome people who reviewed. Thank you for taking the time, I love to read your thoughts on my story! My familyis originallyGlaswegian, but living abroad all of my life, I don't have the accent, though wish I did! I think it's lovely, although my Glaswegian friends think it's a funny thing to wish for! No, I don't think that the Glaswegian accent is difficult to understand at all, but that's just me. I have more problems with accents from other places in Scotland...Aberdonian, for example...Is it just me, or is it a whole other language?


	8. Chapter 8

OOOO

See part 1 for disclaimer…

Part 8

Mac nodded in agreement and Cate led her over to a sheltered canteen that served as a communal gathering place amongst the locals. Cate ordered them both a coke, while Mac stayed seated at a small, round table. As she came back with the drinks, Cate saw Mac notice some of the local school children sipping drinks through straws out of clear plastic bags.

"That's something that Harm couldn't get over when he first got here. I think it's quite a quaint local custom."

"Yeah, it is," Mac agreed, smiling.

For a few minutes, they simply watched the children play some kind of local game, where a small disc of rubber with what looked a bundle of feathers fixed through the middle of it was kicked up into the air, going around to each person in the circle.

Cate explained that the game was known as capteh-capteh and that the aim was to keep it in the air for a long as possible, using just the sides of the feet. Mac noted that it resembled a game of keepy-uppy only with the strange looking shuttlecock instead of a hackie-sack. While the game was going on, Cate would count aloud in Malay along with the children, until someone would aim and miss, clapping in encouragement as the count got higher and higher.

"Satu, dua, tiga, empat, lima, enam, tujuh, lapan, sembilan, sepuluh…oh, bagus, Zubin."

After a while, she turned back to Mac, suddenly noticing something.

"So where is Harm?" Cate questioned, "Didn't he feel like getting a drink?"

"No," Mac dismissed, "He was going to finish loading up a brick cart. I don't know when he'll be along."

"How long did you know Harm, back in Washington?"

"Over seven years, now."

"Wow, that's a long time. I thought that the military over there would move you around quite a bit?'

"Yeah, they did, before now. After leaving college in Minnesota, I was stationed in Japan, got my law degree from Duke, back in the US, before serving in Bosnia."

"Wow," Cate exclaimed again, "That was some moving around! Before I left Glasgow, the furthest afield I'd ever gone was to the Lake District on a school field-trip!"

"It must have been hard coming here, to a whole new country," Mac sympathised.

"No, the thought of leaving Glasgow didn't worry me a bit," Cate told Mac, "The prospect of staying where I was scared me more. I didn't exactly live in a great area, one of the roughest council estates in Scotland."

Cate stayed silent for a minute or so and Mac noticed the haunted look that she saw in the young woman's eyes. It was one that she recognised from her own youth.

They were interrupted by Harm, who had finished loading bricks into the cart for transportation to building sites around the village.

"Hi Cate," he greeted the young woman, "How's your day been? How come you've been teaching on a Sunday?"

Mac hadn't even thought about it being a Sunday, because her body clock had been totally turned around with the jet lag and the time difference between KL and DC.

"There's only a half day on a Wednesday at the school," Cate told Harm, "It just means that the kids get a mid-week break and do a half-day on a Sunday instead."

At that moment, they heard a bell tolling and the children playing in the dust scattered and ran off home. All of the local villagers got up from where they were sitting and shuffled off home as well.

"At eleven, that bell tolls to let everyone know that daily prayers begin in an hour." Cate informed Harm and Mac, "They'll all go home to get ready, then everyone will make their way to the mosque."

Harm had noticed the small mosque only a few times in his trips to Sepadan, but his thought every time was that the old building, which was probably as old as this village, could probably do with a major face-lift.

"It's quite small and cramped in there," Cate commented, "But we were hoping to get construction of a new mosque started once the next monsoon season is over."

"Does the whole village squeeze into that one?" Harm questioned in surprise.

Cate nodded and lifted her glass, swallowing the rest of her drink.

"I'd better get back to work," she told Harm and Mac, "I've got a market trip to make before everyone there disappears for daily prayers."

She bid them goodbye and walked off towards the aid-worker's accommodation in the village.

Harm and Mac sat with their drinks in silence, eventually listening to sound of chanted prayer, that came drifting out of the mosque on the thick, humid air.

After a while, they went back to accomplishing all of the small tasks that needed doing around the village. They got chatting to the other aid-workers from Delaney, Chung and Bell. Mac found that she didn't get much opportunity to talk to Harm. She was quite thankful, not exactly over his earlier barbed comment. Instead, she chatted to a woman called Sheila who was from New Jersey. Harm talked to a man whom Sheila introduced to them as Eric, her husband who came from Amsterdam.

After a while, Cate returned from yet another trip to the market and Mac marvelled at the huge load of purchases that she had in the basket, perched Malay-style, on top of her head. Cate's neck and back looked to be strong but elegant and she seemed to glide along the dirt road, her hands above her head, keeping the basket balanced properly. Her slim build was accentuated by her long, flowing batik sarong and, as her linen blouse had ridden up, Mac noted that the navel of her flat stomach was pierced with a jewelled ring. Cate gave a small smile in reply to the greetings from all of the aid-workers, her blue eyes glittering vibrantly but still kept herself carefully focussed on her task.

Soon, the heat of the day began to fade and evening approached. Harm and Mac finished up what they were doing, then started to make their way back towards the canteen with the rest of the aid-workers. Along the way, they were distracted by a rush of excited children, running towards the jetty, stirring up an enormous amount of dust in their wake.

"Whoa!" Harm exclaimed, stopping a passing little girl. She only looked to be four or five and wasn't running quite as fast as the other, older children.

"What is it, Teja?" he asked the excited child.

"Chigu Cate!" she exclaimed, "Chigu Cate!"

Neither Harm nor Mac knew exactly what that meant, only that it involved Cate in some way.

"Chigu is the Malay word for 'teacher'," Barry Delaney told them, "It's what all the kids here call Cate."

They set off for the jetty, suddenly curious about why Cate was attracting the village children like the pied piper.

When they got nearer, they heard the screams and laughter of excited children. It seemed that Cate, on the muddy banks of the river, had incited an all-out mud fight.

The children were simply loving it!

"This must be their own version of a snowball fight," Mac thought to herself, fighting to contain her amusement as Cate got totally pasted with mud, as the children all decided to gang up on her. Dodging a mudball to the face, Cate turned her head, catching sight of the audience up on the mainland. She beckoned to Harm, mouthing, "Help me out here!"

Harm just shook his head, smiling.

Cate gave him a sly look, then bent to scoop some more mud from in front of her. Harm noted that she had sunk up to her shins in the mud. Because he was momentarily distracted, he didn't move quickly enough to dodge the sudden mudball that Cate fired in his direction. It hit him squarely in the chest. Harm's mouth formed an 'o' of surprise, as he fought to regain his composure.

"Caitlin Alexandra Anderson !" he exclaimed, "I can't _believe_ you just did that."

He used the force of her full name, which she had only confided in him about only a few weeks previously. Her mother, she had explained, had wanted to call her after her biological father, who had skipped out on them before Cate was born. Her maternal grandmother had refused to acknowledge this and had forced Cate's young mother to put 'Caitlin' on the birth certificate, although her mother had added 'Alexandra' as a second name. Cate, however, preferred to go by her grandmother's choice of name, not her mother's, although Harm couldn't figure out exactly why this was. Perhaps it was anger directed towards her father? However, when Harm had asked her about the man, Cate said she knew nothing about him, although her grandmother had always described him as being 'good-for-nothing' and 'about as much use as a chocolate fireguard.'

Down on the muddy bank, Cate remained extremely amused, grinning like a naughty child. All of the children were laughing hysterically and the adults on the mainland weren't much better. Lots of them shouted encouragement to Harm to go and get his own back on Cate. She looked at Harm challengingly, beckoning to him in a 'bring it on!' manner.

Harm took a deep breath, countering Cate's look with one of foreboding. Cate simply laughed, holding her ground as he made his way down the hill and through the unstable, sticky mud between them. Once he got a bit closer, they both attempted to run, though it was a lot more difficult in the unstable, grasping mud. They sprinted half-speed around the stilted posts of the jetty, before Cate slipped and Harm managed to get hold of her. Both laughing hysterically, Harm pinned her down in the mud with one hand and plastered mud over her with another. Then, Cate got in a leg swipe, knocking Harm onto his butt in the mud and she managed to get some more mud on him before he easily grabbed both of her arms and pinned them with one hand at the wrists. Grabbing her around the waist, he hauled Cate under one arm and wrestled her over to a big watery mud-hole that the children had been looking in for fish. With one last half-laugh, half-scream, Cate was dropped in with a big, muddy splash.

By the time that everyone staggered back up the embankment, they were tired out and caked in mud. Still laughing, they all made their way up into the village, the aid workers going into the canteen to eat, the muddy children and Harm, Cate and Mac heading off towards the mosque. Mac soon saw that, not far past the mosque were what looked like two large, man-made pools. There was a wall between the two and Harm explained to her that they were communal bathing-pools and that the men and women's were separate. As Harm and all of the village boys went around the wall to one, Mac followed Cate and the girls over to the other. All of the older girls jumped in without hesitation, but the little girl who had been stopped by Harm earlier stayed glued to Cate's side.

"Teja's not allowed to go in without an adult," Cate explained to Mac, "She's only five. She's not a strong swimmer. You want to come in?"

Mac hesitated and Cate persuaded, "It's not deep or anything. There's no running water in most of the houses, yet, so the villagers bathe here. It's good enough to get some of the grime washed off."

At this, she grinned, pulling at her mud-caked clothes.

Mac laughed and nodded in agreement. She had been soaked through with the hot weather that afternoon and a cooling swim didn't sound like such a bad idea. They entered the water fully clothed and joined the rest of the children, the little girl, Teja, ensconced carefully in Cate's arms. After washing Teja off and rising her hair through, Cate passed her to Mac to hold while she washed herself off. After attending to her clothes, she untied her sticky, muddy hair and leaned backwards, rinsing it out. She left her long, dark-blonde hair down and held her arms out to Teja, who left Mac's arms and doggie-paddled across to her. The little girl demonstrated her swimming skills a couple more times, swimming back and forth between the two of them in turn. Mac clapped her hands when she got back to Cate again, approving, "Bagus!"

After a while, they looked over to see Harm sitting beside the water's edge, watching Cate with Teja, smiling.

"Hey!" Cate exclaimed, joking, "What are you doing peeping in here? This pool is girls-only!"

Mac headed out of the water towards him, trying to ignore the look on Harm's face. It seemed to have burnt itself into the inside of her eyelids, for some strange reason. Once Cate had disappeared home with Teja, Harm and Mac made their way back to the jetty, to board the speedboat waiting to take them back to KL city.

OOOO

Harm and Mac were sitting out on the Veranda of Harm's apartment, later that night, when Mac's insecurities from that day returned. Harm had been talking about his feelings of when he had first arrived in KL.

"It was as hot as hell that day and I'd just endured a 24 hour trip with three stops. The index used to measure haze pollution caused by forest fires over here, was especially high too, so I was feeling like I should just get on the next flight home and forget about this whole idea of starting out afresh…Luckily, things started picking up from there, or I probably would have done," Harm confided in Mac, "Victor told me all about Sepadan and the firm's involvement in lifting the village up off its knees and I just found myself thinking, 'Yeah, this is gonna be okay,' you know? Hell, I didn't think twice about just diving into work there. Cate was the one who first showed me around and explained how things worked there. Without her, I probably wouldn't have had the guts to mix with all the local residents. But, everyone there is just so friendly, you know?"

"Yeah," Mac found herself thinking, "They sure are…and I know of one person in particular."

"Cate was an enormous help, she's the one taught me the smattering of Malay that I know," Harm continued, clueless of Mac's thoughts.

"She seems to be quite comfortable speaking the language," Mac commented, thinking at the same time, "Yeah and very comfortable around you…"

"Believe it or not, she was as nervous as hell about starting teaching in the village school," Harm told Mac, "She thought that she might come out with some wrong words, or some bad ones! There's this guy in the village, Ridwan, who teaches the aid workers all of the curse words in Malay! Cate was sure that she'd come out with some before her first day was out!"

Mac found herself smiling, despite the insecurities bouncing about in her head. It wasn't that she didn't like Cate, she really felt that she had connected with the young woman over the course of the day. She could see a lot of her young self in Cate, funnily enough…She just didn't like the thought of anyone else being with Harm. She had always felt the same with Renee and Jordan, even with Annie Pendry, on a subconscious level. Besides, Cate was twenty-two and although she was a fully-grown woman, Harm was forty. Hell, Harm's little brother Sergei was the same age as Cate…Would she be the only one to think that was a bit strange? He was nearly double Cate's age…

Harm had noticed Mac looking thoughtful, since they had returned home that evening. He decided to ignore it for the time being, to see if she would come out with what was bothering her on her own.

OOOO


	9. Chapter 9

OOOO

See part 1 for disclaimer…

Part 9

After a minute, Mac spoke up and Harm thought that he might have some idea about what Mac was thinking.

"You and Cate seem to get on well," Mac commented.

"Yeah, well Cate and I have a lot in common. She lives away from home, too. Her family live in Glasgow, in the UK."

"There's quite an age gap between the two of you…"

"Yeah, don't remind me…I know, Mac, I'm getting old…"

"No, that's not what I was trying to say…"

"Yeah, I guess the age gap is quite significant, but that sort of thing doesn't matter. Sometimes people just click, no matter what age they are."

"Aren't you worried about what people will say?"

"What?" Harm questioned, "Why would they think about the age gap between friends?"

Mac just took a deep breath, then told Harm, "There's more there than just friendship there, Harm…"

"No there isn't, Mac…Cate and I are friends. Where is this coming from? I thought you liked Cate. Why are you suddenly all concerned about who I make friends with and who I get involved with?"

"So you're admitting that you and Cate are more than just friends?" Mac persisted.

"No," Harm maintained, "I'm saying that Cate and I are friends, but I'm not totally opposed to the idea of getting involved again, some day."

He quickly added, "With someone other than Cate. We'll only ever be friends."

Mac shook her head, unconvinced.

"Harm," she began, not knowing quite how to go about telling him this, "I've seen the way you watch her, the way you two look at each other. There is definitely more than friendship there. I don't know how you can't see this!"

"How was I looking at her?" Harm questioned, now looking truly puzzled. It was obvious that whatever this was that he was feeling for Cate, he had probably not even realised it himself.

"I don't know how to describe it…" Mac thought about it for a second, "When you looked at her, your eyes lit up, like you were truly happy or something…You smiled this smile, like you understood her, like you'd known her your whole life…like…"

Here Mac stopped as she looked back at Harm, trying to see if he understood what she was saying. She saw something dawn in his eyes, but he remained silent.

"Really, Harm," Mac continued, "Is it just me? Am I reading something into it that isn't there? No, there is something between you and Cate. I see it in her, too, I just can't put my finger on it…"

Harm still ventured nothing, so Mac reached out and took his hand, pulling his attention towards her.

"Harm, please tell me," she beseeched him, "I know you understand more than you are telling me…What is it?"

Harm remained silent and pale for a minute, then cleared his throat and spoke up.

"Umm… you know when we were first paired together?"

Mac nodded and Harm continued, "The first time that you told me about your family?"

Mac nodded again.

"You know how I told you that I had always been an only child?"

Nod.

"…Well that's not true."

"Yeah, I know; Sergei," Mac started, "but you had no idea about him, back then…"

"No…" Harm continued, "Not Sergei, Mac…I had a little sister."

Mac found herself unable to speak.

A few seconds later, she managed to find her voice.

"You had a little sister? When…?"

"When I was seventeen, Frank and my Mom found out that they were expecting a child of their own. They had been trying, but nothing had happened, so they assumed that it was too late. But then, a few months before my eighteenth birthday, Mom found out that she was pregnant. Since Frank travelled so much, I promised that I'd take extra special care of her while he was gone. Surprisingly, I loved the thought of having a little brother or sister. I'd always disliked being an only child. This baby was someone to look after and share secrets with, to spoil and side with against my Mom and Frank…But it never got that far. A few months after I turned eighteen, I got called homefrom Annapolis. Frank was away on business and my Mom had gone into premature labour. She was only six months gone and it was way too early, but the doctors couldn't stop the labour. When my baby sister was born, she weighed just over two pounds. This was in the days before cutting-edge neo-natal care. By the time that I managed to get to the hospital, the baby had been put on a respirator, but her lungs were far too under-developed. My Mom was having blood transfusions and was too sick to see me or the baby…The poor little mite, she was slipping away so fast. It scared me to the bone to think of being there on my own, watching her die, but there was no way that I'd let her pass away with none of her family by her side…So, after she was christened and given last rites by a priest, I got to sit down and hold her in my arms as she went. She was so small and fragile, but she looked absolutely perfect. All her little fingers and toes had formed...she was so perfect…I named her Ella, short for Eleanor, after my Mom's Mother. After she…well, afterwards, Mom and Frank never talked about her or about what had happened…I think that they just found it easier, that way. I think Frank still feels guilty, because he thinks that he wasn't there for his family and Mom feels guilty because she couldn't be there as her baby girl took her last breath…"

"Oh, Harm," Mac breathed, tears running down her face, "I'm so sorry…that's what you feel for Cate, isn't it?"

Harm nodded, telling Mac, "I guess I just wish that Ella could have had what Cate has, could have become what Cate has become. Despite a really tough childhood, Cate's done something incredible with her life, despite the fact that she's still so young. I guess, without realising it, I was acting towards Cate the way that I had hoped to be with Ella…They would be the same age, too."

"I'm sorry that I never saw that…Looking back, it all makes sense," Mac told Harm, revealing, "When I was staying with your Mom and Frank at Thanksgiving, I saw that polleroid photograph in your old room. I'm sorry that I jumped to conclusions before putting together all of the facts."

"I'm sorry, too," Harm told Mac, "I haven't listened to anything you've been trying to tell me, Mac, but I'm listening now. I'm sorry that I've been so stubborn. And I really didn't mean what I said, earlier today. I was just hurting, I guess and because of that I kept trying to hold you away."

"We've both been rather blinkered to what's actually going on around us," Mac admitted.

Taking a deep breath, Mac continued to tell Harm the story that had been circling endlessly in her head ever since she'd returned from Paraguay. It took a couple of hours, but she was glad to finally get it out, after months of procrastination. Finally, she concluded, "But there never could have been anything between me and Clay. He's a kind, decent man, but…"

Here, she took a deep breath then concluded with finality, "He isn't the man I love."

Harm just sat in silence for a minute, knowing what to say but not daring to say it. At the questioning in Mac's eyes, he spoke up, "So who, exactly, is this man that you love?"

There was no way he was going to make any presumptions now and get the dream dangling before his eyes tugged away.

Mac just burst into a teary laugh at this question.

"YOU!" she exclaimed, joking, "You know, for a lawyer, you really are a bit dense at times! Why do you think I'd fly half way across the world to be near to you…Why do you think I'd resign my commission to be with you?"

Harm gasped, "You resigned your commission! Why?"

"Because I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get us back. Even if we do start out just as friends again, I want to show you that I'm willing to do anything," Mac told him, honestly.

"But giving up your whole life…" Harm began to object.

"It isn't giving up my whole life," Mac interrupted him, "As long as I have you in my life, I'm happy…you are my whole life."

Harm just looked at Mac in silence, finally letting the last barrier crumble.

"Mac," he told her, his voice tellingly husky, "I'm so sorry."

As Harm pulled her towards him, her arm went willingly around his waist and she clung to him tightly.

For once, Harm felt like he could breath again.

Now that they finally had the time to themselves, they could talk openly and freely without any interruptions.

OOOO

Things had improved considerably between them by the time that Harm and Mac got back to Sepadan, the next weekend. Harm took Mac's hand as he helped her from the speedboat over onto the jetty pontoon and didn't let it go, even after they got onto solid land. Looking around, the two of them were surprised to see that most of the British Red Cross aid workers were nowhere to be seen. Harm stopped Ridwan as the man was passing.

"Hey, Ridwan. Where is everyone?"

"They inside the aid worker hut. Cate packing her stuff up, Harm-man."

"What?" Harm exclaimed and Mac frowned, disconcertedly.

Gently pulling Mac by the hand, Harm made for the aid worker's accommodation, basically a mud-walled building with a tin roof. As they made their way inside, they could see that all of the aid workers were congregating in the hallway outside Cate's room. Only Cate's roommate was inside with her, although the door was ajar and everyone was peering in, curiously.

"Cate?" Harm approached, gently, "What's wrong."

Cate turned away from the backpack on the bed, which she was feverishly packing her clothes into. Her eyes were still quite wide with shock and still tearing and Harm could see that she had been crying, but it appeared that she was over the original shock that had brought about this sudden change of heart.

Cate took a deep breath and stated the obvious, "I'm leaving."

"But why?" Harm exclaimed, "You love it here. It's been your home for the past year. Why not wait until the Red Cross moves you on?"

"I can't stay here," Cate insisted, "I've got to go."

"Where are you going to go?" Mac asked, softly.

"Anywhere but here," Cate replied, then contemplated, "When I first got here, I could see myself staying here forever…But I guess things change, sometimes…"

"Cate," Harm insisted, trying to be practical, "Where are you going to stay? Think about this."

"I'll stay in a hostel," Cate replied, airily, "I have got a bit of money together in my time here, you know."

"And the children?" Harm stopped her short, "You're just going to leave them? You know they love you. How can you just decide to up and leave?"

Cate paused to contemplate what he was saying. But instead of softening her resolve any, it just cemented it further. Mac saw the barriers go up and just like that, her eyes appeared guarded and wary. Once Cate had finished putting clothes into her bag, shedrew in the drawstring, stapped thetop shut and lifted it onto one shoulder.

"No," Harm stopped her, grabbing her arm as she went to walk past him, "I am not letting you walk out of here until you have explained to me what is going on."

With that, he escorted an angry Cate all the way to the canteen, where he persuaded her into a seat. As he and Mac took seats at the table next to Cate, Mac finally realised with unbelievable clarity exactly what it was that she saw in Cate eyes. Cate was scared and she was doing the only thing she knew how to do; run. Mac knew from experience that in a situation like this, Cate probably saw running as her only option. But why?

"Alright," Harm told Cate firmly, "I'm not letting you leave this village until you tell me what is going on."

"Back off," Cate warned him, "I know you mean well, but this has nothing to do with you two. Talking it through with you isn't going to help at all. I know what I'm doing here. I know you see me as a coward and a deserter for leaving the children like this, but that is so not it. I think this is going to be better for them…"

"What? How could you possibly think that?" Harm persisted, "Cate, I've been through enough sticky situations to know that this is not the answer. Why are you doing this? Who's made you think that you aren't good enough?"

"You wouldn't understand," Cate maintained.

"Try me," Harm insisted.

Cate took a deep breath and spoke again with emphasis.

"NO! There's nothing you can do about this, Harm. This is my problem, I know how to deal with it. Please just let me get on with it."

With that, Cate stood up from the table and strode off towards the jetty. Harm let out a deep breath in anguish.

"What do you think is the matter?" Mac asked him.

"I don't know, but whatever it is, it's got to be big. Cate loves the people here, especially the children. She wouldn't leave without a very big threat."

OOOO

The weekend passed without Cate. By the time that Harm and Mac made their way to the jetty, on the Sunday evening, Cate had still not come back to Sepadan. Harm was really starting to worry, since he knew that Cate had very few friends outside the aid workers of the village and (apart from himself) none at all in KL, the nearest city to the village. He and Mac spent a very tense dinner that night going over unspoken fears in the back of their minds. Mac was just carrying their dirty dishes into the kitchen, when the buzzer went on Harm's front door.

"I'll get it," Harm told Mac, as she made her way out of the kitchen, towards the door.

Harm let out a gasp as he opened the door to find a wet and bedraggled-looking Cate on the other side.

"Hey," he greeted her, pulling her inside, "What happened to you? Where have you been these past two days? Mac and I have been worried sick about you. Are you alright?"

At Cate's silent nod, Mac left to go and get some towels out of the bedroom, so that Cate could dry off.

"I've been sleeping rough outside the British Embassy...I need to get my passport renewed," Cate told them, beginning to ramble, "They wouldn't let me in. They probably thought I was a terrorist or something. They've been on high alert over the past couple of weeks. Then I finally get up the nerve to come here and it starts raining! Who knew monsoon season would start this early?"

"Here you go, Cate," Mac told her kindly, wrapping a towel around her, "You're going to catch cold, wandering around soaked, like that."

"Thank you," Cate thanked her, quietly.

Harm guided her to the sofa and sat her down, taking a seat next to her.

"You want to tell me exactly what is going on?"

"Yeah, I guess so," Cate relented, actually glad now to have somebody to talk to.

After Mac had taken a seat beside her, Cate finally explained, "I'm sorry I was in such a mood the other day…I just didn't know what to do."

"You don't need to do anything on your own," Harm comforted her, "Mac and I will help you in any way we can."

Cate nodded in understanding then continued, "I got a letter on Saturday. It was from my Mother. It seems that she's been trying to trace me for some time, now." Cate's voice began to shake at the mention of her mother and she very obviously fought to try and get it under control.

Harm and Mac remained silent, listening to what Cate had to say first, though Mac supposed that, from what she could read into the situation, Cate's relationship with her Mother was probably the same as her own relationship with her Mom. As Cate continued, Mac found that she was even more right than she could have imagined.

"Things between my Mother and I are strained, to say the least. They always have been. Most people can say that they have a good idea of who their Mother is, but I'm afraid that isn't the case with my Mother. I barely even know her. But I know enough to know that, for as long as I can remember, my Mother has flitted off, whenever it took her fancy. . I spent much of my young life in my Grandmother's care, because my Mother had done another disappearing act. But more often, she tried just taking me out and getting shot of me that way. The first time it happened, I was only a month or two old. She pushed me into a hospital accident and emergency department and left me there. It was only when she went to visit my Grandmother, two weeks later, without me that my Grandma got the truth out of her and persuaded her to go back to the social services to get me. And being the stupid bastards that they are, social services gave me back to her! Imagine the trauma that I could have been spared if I had just been placed in a nice home with a nice family. But no, I went back to the dingy one-bedroom flat in the roughest council estate in Central East-Scotland, to wait for the next time the stupid cow abandoned me; that was when I was six months old, then again when I was a year old, then again when I was two. It happened on a regular basis from then on. In the mean time, she found a new boyfriend and eloped abroad to marry him, leaving me with my pensioner-grandmother. The poor old lady had heart disease and was constantly crippled with arthritis, how was she meant to take care of me I don't know. A day before my Mother and my new Stepfather got back, Grandma had a heart attack and died and I couldn't get help. I wasn't even three yet, I couldn't manage to open the lock on the front door and we didn't have a phone. The telephone company had cut it off because my Mother never paid her bills…I still remember that week as the worst of my life. Finally, when I was twelve, my Mother decided that I'd be better off without her and disappeared again. I got left with my alcoholic Stepfather, to fend for myself. I was doing pretty well until I turned sixteen. Then my Mother decided to get in touch again. She even talked about coming home. That's when I split. I got myself a passport andbought a ticket and came here. The Red Cross took me on as a volunteer, agreed to give me training and teach me Malay. These last few years have been the happiest in my whole life…and now this…My Mother says that she's going to come here and see me. She says that she's got her life in order again, that she's divorced my Stepfather and has remarried. But I'm not interested. I don't want to see her, I just want to get on with my life."

"Are you sure that's what you want?" Harm questioned, gently.

"I'm positive," Cate insisted, "I feel no desire whatsoever to see her again. Every time she left me, she would come back, promising that she'd changed, swearing to me, "It will be different, from now on." And it would be, for a while. She'd really try to be a normal Mother, to take interest in my life. Then, she'd get bored with it again and she'd disappear. Maybe it wouldn't so bad if she only ever left me. But it wasn't like that, was it?"

Harm and Mac didn't realise at first what Cate meant.

Cate continued, "She didn't just leave my life. She removed me from hers. It's one thing to run off and leave your own child. But it's completely different if you take your child out and abandon them somewhere. It's not that she didn't want to be a part of my life, it's that she didn't want me as a part of hers. An innocent child, her own blood...and she didn't want me..."

Cate sat in silence for a moment, contemplating. Mac felt her heart ache with sympathy for her, because she knew better than anyone where Cate was coming from. But she could also see what Cate meant. As much as she faulted her own Mother for leaving her with her alcoholic father, Mac appreciated on some level that at least Deanne had never tried to remove her from her life. She had thought of her daughter every day that had passed since she had left, missed her every single minute, but had thought that Sarah had been better off with her Father. Was that how Deanne had phrased it?

Poor Cate. She had been through so much in her short life, more than any child should have to. Mac felt like crying all the more when she realised why Cate had thought the people of the villageand their children would be better off without her. Cate thought that she wasn't good enough to be a part of someone's family or their life. She had been told so every time her Mother had attempted to remove her from her life.

"I definitely don't want to see her," Cate spoke up, resolutely,"When she wrote to me when I was sixteen, to tell me that she was coming home, I sent one right back to her to tell her not to bother. But she did anyway. I knew she would, that's why I left. I called the house from the airport and my Stepfather told me that she was already there waiting for me to come home and welcome her back with open arms. I told him that I wasn't coming back, that I never would. Then I hopped onto my flight here. I'd never felt so free, so happy. It was like this weight was lifted from my chest. Now it feels like she's come and placed it right back on again."

"You could phone her," Mac suggested, "and tell her how you feel. Tell her that you need space."

"That wouldn't work," Cate dismissed, "She'd come anyway. I know she would. It would be just like it was when I was a teenager. I just can't seem to escape her."

"You can't run away from everything in your life, Cate," Harm pointed out.

"You did," Cate raised a fair point.

"Yes, I did," Harm admitted, "but eventually I couldn't run anymore and had to face things. In the end, they seemed to turn out for the better."

"There'll be no happy, fairytale endings for me," Cate told them quietly, "Things just don't work that way in my life."

Mac just gave into her overriding impulse and pulled Cate into a hug. Finally, Cate gave into the feelings and emotions that had been bouncing around inside her, all of her life. She broke down and sobbed like the little girl she still really was, deep inside. When she had finally gotten it off her chest and gotten herself together again, Harm pulled her into asupportive hug of his own.

"Let's just deal with the important things, first," Harmdecided andasked Cate, softly, "Whatabout goingback to Sepadan? Do you think you're up to that?"

"I think," Cate said softly, from her place in his arms, "that I want to go home...But tomorrow. If I could, can I stay here tonight and go home tomorrow morning?"

"Of course you can," Harm told her and got up to go and get the spare sheets for the couch, from the linen closet.

"Uh, Harm," Mac approached him, quietly, a few minutes later, "Who's going to take the couch?"

"Cate is," Harm replied to her, obviously having some logic in mind that Mac didn't.

"Where am I going to sleep?"

"In my bed."

"With you?"

"Yeah. I promise, I'll be on my best behaviour, Mac."

As he disappeared back into the living room with the sheets, Harm perked to attention at Mac's next comment, which was said quietly, probably not meant for his hearing.

"It's not _your_ intentions that I'm worried about."

He heard it and he couldn't help smiling.

OOOO

Okay, this has been the longest chapter yet, but I just couldn't find any other logical place to finish the chapter off. Hope you all enjoyed!


	10. Chapter 10

OOOO

See part 1 for disclaimers…

Part 10

Cate had conked out on the couch while Harm went to go and fix her something to eat and she looked so exhausted that Mac covered her over with a quilt and Harm put her meal in the fridge.

"She can take it along with her for the boat journey, tomorrow," Harm told Mac as they made their own way to bed for the night. Harm courteously let Mac use the bathroom first to get ready for bed and by the time that he was finally ready to go to sleep, Mac was already curled up, looking decidedly good amongst his bed sheets. As he climbed in himself, Mac scooted over towards him and he embraced her, giving her a soft kiss on the forehead.

" 'night Harm," Mac murmured, sleepily, relaxing into her position curled up by Harm's side.

" 'nite Mac," Harm replied, running a hand through her hair affectionately before he leaned over to turn the bedside lamp off.

They both drifted to sleep, each listening to the relaxed breathing of the person next to them.

OOOO

At about six the next morning, Harm woke as he did every morning, without the use of an alarm clock. Quietly, he climbed from the bed and crept through to the living room, grabbing the cordless phone and taking it into the kitchen, so that he didn't wake Cate, who was still asleep on the couch. He quickly called into work and let them know that he wouldn't be coming in until later that day, so that he could focus on getting Cate back to Sepadan. He knew that he wouldn't be able to concentrate properly at work anyway, if he didn't go along to make sure that Cate got settled back in okay. After he had hung up and placed the phone back on the charger, he peered over the back of the couch, noting that Cate had not even moved from the position in which she fell asleep the night before. After that, Harm went back into the bedroom and carefully climbed back into bed beside Mac.

OOOO

By the time that he woke again, the sun had risen and Harm estimated that it must be sometime between seven and eight o'clock. Next to him, Mac was asleep on her front, her head turned towards him and her arms tucked into her sides. Harm thought to himself that she looked very much like a little girl in this very open, prone position. Regarding her silently, he also noticed, as the bed sheets were down somewhere around her lower back, that she looked very skinny underneath her tank top and pyjama bottoms. From the way that she had been sleeping solidly while she had been staying here, Harm also knew that she had to be catching up on lots of sleep she had lost at home. He felt quite bad knowing that his disappearance had been the cause of a lot of the worry that had brought her to this state. Harm made a promise to himself that he'd put all of his effort into making up for this, in the oncoming months.

As if sensing his gaze, Mac's dark eyelashes began to twitch against her delicate skin then fluttered open. Harm greeted her with a smile and telling her quietly, "Hey there."

"Hey your...self," she replied, stopping mid-word to let out a broad yawn.

"Somebody's still tired, I think," Harm observed.

Mac looked thoughtful for a minute then replied, "And I think that somebody's going to be late for work."

"I took the morning off. I think we should probably see Cate home, make sure that she gets settled back in okay."

Mac nodded in agreement.

"She seems to be very nervous about going back, even though it's home to her. The poor kid thinks that she doesn't deserve the right to be there, to be happy, you know?"

"Yeah, I noticed that. Because her Mom was always giving her that impression, she doesn't think she's good enough for those children," Harm agreed then confided, "Even before she started working in the school, she was always worried about if she was good enough for the job. She did more work and made twice as much effort than anyone else, in just about everything that she did, yet she still questioned her worthiness to be there."

Mac shook her head in sadness, commenting, "In a way, she seems almost like a child, sometimes. She'd do just about anything to gain your approval and respect, yet in other ways, she's a more mature than you or I."

Harm smiled in agreement, recalling the way that Cate had patiently shepherded her class of children around like a young mother hen.

Mac let out a sigh and snuggled back down into her pillow. Almost as if he was being drawn by an invisible magnetic field, Harm leaned over to Mac and planted a soft kiss on her shoulder. Mac smiled and sighed again, this time in contentment as Harm curled up next to her, draping an arm over her shoulders and laying his head on the pillow next to hers. They both met each other's lips in a soft kiss before they closed their eyes and drifted back to sleep.

By the time that nine o'clock came around, they had both fought the almost overwhelming compulsion to stay in bed and made the morning trip to the shower. Once Harm emerged from the bathroom dressed casually in shorts and a shirt, he and Mac went into the living room to see about getting breakfast ready, in time for Cate waking up. To their surprise, they found Cate already awake, sitting up in bed on the couch, watching TV.

" Mornin'," Cate greeted them, "You not off to work yet, Harm?"

"I've taken the morning off," he told her, "Mac and I were wondering if we could see you home, help get you settled back in?"

Cate just beamed like a five-year-old, as if Harm and Mac had just named her their best friend. When they thought about it later, Harm and Mac both supposed it to be quite natural, considering that nobody had ever shown that sort of enthusiasm for being involved in Cate's life before, especially not her own mother.

Cate took a deep breath and climbed in beside Harm and Mac, in the speedboat that would bring her back home. She anxiously twisted one hand inside the other throughout the entire journey, biting her lip nervously.

Harm wanted nothing more than to tell her that she didn't have anything to worry about, that everything would be fine, but he knew he could give her no such assurances. He couldn't promise that things would be back to normal once she got home, knew that none of them could erase what had taken place over the previous weekend. Harm knew that Cate wanted to go home, but the question was, would she be accepted back? He really hoped so, but that was up to the villagers, up to the children whom she had left behind. So Harm did the only thing he could do; he promised Cate his support. He reached over and gently took Cates hand in his, squeezing it in what he hoped was a reassuring manner. Cate looked up and gave him a thankful smile then turned her eyes again to the river ahead of them, towards the next bend and what would be beyond it. After a while, the scenery began to become familiar and Cate inhaled a tense breath. She pulled her backpack onto one shoulder as she bolstered herself for what came next. As the boat pulled up at the jetty, they began to see curious faces peer out of the windows and doorways of the village houses. Children stopped playing in the dirt and looked up to see the boat docking. Tentatively, Cate climbed onto the jetty pontoon and walked up the gangway to the mainland, followed by Harm and Mac. However, before she put a foot on dry land, she stopped short, looking to the people watching her, waiting for their reaction. For a tense minute, nothing was said and time and space seemed to stand still. Then something stirred in the dust and Cate found herself begin to cry.

"Chigu Cate!"

As the little girl ran towards her through the swirls of dust, Cate thought that her heart might explode out of gratitude.

"Oh, thank God!" she murmured to herself, as she caught Teja up in a big hug.

Yep, the little girl had always been her favourite! This prompt was all it took for all of the other children to come running over to Cate and she knelt down on the ground and caught them all in a hug as best as she was able to.

"Chigu Cate, Chigu Cate! You come home!" The elated children cried.

"Yes, I've come home," she told them honestly, "I ran away because I was scared and didn't know what to do, but now I've come home. I've missed you all so much, my children! I'd like to come home for good, if you will have me?"

By now, all of the adults had wandered out of the houses and were gathered around.

At Cate's request, one person looked to another then that person looked to another person. Cate awaited their decision with baited breath. Finally, after everyone had silently consulted one another, it was up to one person to make a final decision. Ridwan, son of the village elder and eventual inheritor of his Father's position gave his verdict, to be followed by much shouting on the part of both adults and children. Shouts of excitement and approval.

"Bagus! Cate, you come home to stay, okay?"

"Bagus!" Cate told him, beaming.

OOOO

It was little over four days later that Harm and Mac found themselves at the ferry terminal again, to make their weekend trip to Sepandan. The boatman was just about to cast off the ropes tying the speedboat to the dock, when someone shouted from inside the small office, nearby.

Harm and Mac noticed a small man lean out of the office window as he shouted to the boatman. They assumed that he was asking the boatman to stop. A minute later, the small man stepped out of the office, trailed by a dark blond-haired, European woman.

"This is the boat for Sepandan," the small man assured the woman then helped her into the boat, giving her a small nod as she thanked him for his assistance.

As the woman turned around and took a seat, it only took Harm and Mac a one-second glance at her clear blue eyes to know exactly who she was.

She noticed them watching her and smiled.

"Mrs. Anderson?" Harm questioned.

"Yes…well Anderson-Scott…Kimberly Anderson-Scott," The woman told them, seemingly thinking about how the two of them knew her name, "You know my daughter?"

"Yes," Harm told her, "We work with her at Sepadan. I'm Harm. This is Mac."

"You're with the Red Cross?"

"No," Mac told her, "we're just weekend volunteers. We're both lawyers."

Harm noticed Mac hesitate and visibly think about this statement. It wasn't actually true that Mac was a lawyer. Right now, she was technically between employments. Still, it was a lot less complicated, this way.

"How is my daughter? She did get my letter, saying that I was coming, didn't she?"

"Yes, Ma'am," Harm told her then struggled to find something else to say. What exactly was it that he was supposed to say, in a situation like this?

Kim Anderson seemed to realise this and prevented him any further difficulty.

"She's not happy I'm here, is she?" Kim asked them.

"I wouldn't say so. No, Ma'am," Harm told her, truthfully.

She seemed to appreciate his honesty and smiled, continuing.

"I don't blame her for that. I've hardly been the best Mother…I just want to make up for all of this wasted time. I had my wee girl when I was very young, you see. It was extremely hard, being a single, teenage mother. For years I suffered from severe self-esteem problems, I never felt I was worthy of being trusted with a child as precious as Alexandra. Add to that the fact that I was technically still a teenager, right up until she was four then I guess you could say that I was the most irresponsible mother in all of Glasgow. But I've grown up a lot over the last five years. I want to make up for my past mistakes, I want to gain her trust back…"

Harm and Mac felt pity for the woman facing them. They could tell that despite the fact that Cate's Mother was still under forty, she'd had a hard life. Even though she looked as if she took great pride in her appearance, her posture was quite hunched and self-conscious. Her clear blue eyes showed the strain of her life and dark rings circled the skin below them.

"Cate told us that you've re-married," Mac spoke up, grasping at straws, trying to find a topic of conversation.

"Yes, just last year," Kim confirmed, "I couldn't bring myself to drop my maiden name, so I just added it on. Most of my friends just think I'm trying to be posh."

"Did you have a long trip to the ferry terminal, Ma'am?" Harm asked conversationally.

"A short taxi ride," Kim told them, "I'm staying at the Shangri-La, so I'm not that far away. Same side of the city."

They were silent for the remaining minutes of the trip, all three anticipating their arrival at Sepadan. As the boat pulled up at the jetty,

Harm and Mac led the way up to the mainland. Kim held back, behind them. Cate was sitting up at the cafeteria with a group of her school children. They were gathered around a game of Bantumi, or as the people here called it, 'Congkak.' Cate finished dropping small white seashells into a circle of bowls carved out of the thick wooden playing board. As her last shell clattered in the final bowl, she took out all of the shells in that bowl, then each emptied each of the other bowls along her side of the board. She deposited the shells in the hollow nearest her end of the board and all of the children cheered. Seemingly, Cate had beaten her opponent. She smiled and gave the little boy a hug and lots of encouraging praise. The boy simply smiled, not seeming to mind all that much. Perhaps Cate's win had not been completely due to her skill at the game! Harm smiled as he saw the boy's friends gather around him and chatter away animatedly, once they were out of Cate's earshot.

Cate turned and smiled as she caught sight of Harm and Mac. However, her smile disintegrated when she caught sight of the expression on their faces. Her head tilted to the side and her eyes frowned in puzzlement as she tried to decipher what she saw written there. Harm and Mac moved aside, allowing Cate to see who had joined them on the boat ride to Sepadan.

Cate froze, not moving or uttering a word for a few seconds. Then she simply looked away and took off in the opposite direction.

"Alex…" her Mother began.

OOOO


	11. Chapter 11

OOOO

See part 1 for disclaimer…

Part 11

"No!" Cate spun back and halted her, taking everyone around her by surprise, "No… don't you call me that! My name is Caitlin. Grandma didn't want me named after my Father!"

"I'm sorry," Kim stuttered, "Cate, then…"

"Only my friends call me Cate," Caitlin cut her Mother off again.

By this point, Kim didn't know what to call Caitlin and that was perfectly fine with her daughter. She didn't want her Mother calling her anything, especially not her 'wee girl.'

"Don't be like that, love," Kim pleaded with her daughter, "I only want to be your Mother again."

Cate shook her head.

"Be my mother again? You never were; Mothers take an interest in their children's lives. Mothers take care of their children. They don't leave them in the A & E department of the nearest hospital when they're six weeks old!"

Kim just remained silent, taking in her daughter's fury.

"…Mothers protect their children. They take them on holidays and on days out to the beach, they don't abandon them in high-street shops, hide them beneath the clothes rails then walk out and leave them…"

"I'm sorry, Lexie, love," Kim told her daughter, tearfully, "I had a lot of problems back then."

"There was only one problem with your life, back then," Cate refuted, "and that was me. Well, you know what? I managed better without you. Tam may have been a drunk and a money-waster, but at least he never forgot to feed me."

"Tam's gone, Lexie," Kim told her, "He won't be back…"

"Tam's not the problem!" Cate emphasized, "The problem is that I've managed to get a nice little life together, something that's my own and nobody else's and now you want to take that away from me. Again."

"I don't," Kim promised, "I just want to get to know my daughter…"

"I'm not your daughter anymore," Cate cut her off, quickly, "Your daughter, _your_ Lexie died a long time ago. I'm somebody else, now and you're not going to have any part of that to destroy."

Determinedly, she curtly turned on her heal and marched off.

Harm and Mac looked to one-another, wordlessly exchanging their thoughts before launching into action. Harm went to Kim, who was by this time in tears and guided her into a seat in the cafeteria. Mac went after Cate, who had stormed off to her room in the aid-worker's hut.

"She's just angry," Harm tried to comfort the woman, whom he suddenly realised was actually younger than him, "I'm sure that she'll come round…"

Kim blew her nose, noisily into a tissue then shook her head.

"No, there's too much time passed. I don't know what I was thinking coming here. Yet again, I've managed to fail her…She's right, I should have just stayed gone."

Meanwhile, Mac tapped softly on the door of Cate's room in the aid worker's hut.

"Cate? Hon, is it okay for me to come in?" she requested, softly.

Small sob.

"Cate?"

Wet sniff.

Mac gingerly poked her head around the door, to see Cate lying face down on her small camp bed, her face buried in a pillow. Her back trembled up and down erratically, her sobs muffled in the pillow.

"Aw, Cate! Don't do this to yourself," Mac comforted her, sitting down on the edge of the bed and beginning to stroke Cate's hair softly, "I know it may not seem like it, but the pain does get better with time."

Cate didn't reply, so Mac continued, "Maybe not better, but you are going to get better at learning to deal with it…I'd never try to presume that I knew what you went through, growing up, but I know what it is to have this sort of self-recrimination inside of you.

'What could I have done better?' 'Why doesn't she want me?' 'What do I have to do to get her to love me, to make her stay?' I know you blame yourself Cate, but none of that was your fault."

Cate looked up with red, puffy eyes, silently trying to convey a question.

"How? How do you…?" she croaked, her voice choked with repressed emotion.

"My Mum left home on my fifteenth birthday," Mac confided in her, "She left me with my with my alcoholic Father. For years, I thought that it was something I had done. My Father even used to tell me so, when he'd been out on drinking binges. But as the years passed, I realised that it wasn't my fault. All the time, I had been striving to be the best, to make my Father proud and he never once told me that he was. I realised, one day, that it wasn't me who had the problem. It was my Mother and Father who had the problem. I was doing everything right. Well, as right as a child can do…But I made my fair share of mistakes, too. Without meaning to, as a way of dealing with the pain, I unwittingly followed down the same path as my Father. But I worked hard to get back onto the straight and narrow."

"Sometimes," Cate admitted quietly, "I think that if I just work that little bit harder, then all of the bad parts of my life will just disappear."

"You can't make up for the things that have happened to you," Mac told her, "They were beyond your control. You were born into them. You were only a child, trying to deal with them. But your Mom was suffering too."

Cate snorted in scorn, "Yeah, she suffered alright. Going out partying, getting drunk. Boy, she suffered big-time! And when she had me, crying non-stop, day and night, I bet it was perfectly logical that she dumped me on the hospital's doorstep."

"Cate," Mac emphasized, "She may have had a lot of problems back then, but she was still a child, too. When you were four-years-old, she wasn't even out of her teens. Think about it. Could you have done that? Could you see yourself, right now, caring for a seven year old child?"

"No, Mac, that's why I didn't have a child when I was a teenager," Cate pointed out.

"What if it just happened? These things happen." Mac argued.

"Yes, but she carried on making the mistakes…Why did she keep me? Why didn't she do her best by me? Isn't that what a real mother is supposed to do? Do their best for her children? Why did she keep leaving me, only to come back, then to do it all over again? She didn't just walk out on me once, Mac. _She kept doing it_._ After _she'd failed to remove_ me _from_ her _life. It would be different if she didn't think that she was good enough to be in my life…but everything she said and did told me the opposite; _I_ wasn't good enough to be in _hers_. Why do I have to keep reliving this? Why can't I have something for myself, something that is just mine? That is what Sepadan is, Mac. It's something that is mine, my own experience, something that isn't mixed up in all of that painful mess that I left back in Glasgow. It's something that she can't touch, can't demean. This is something that I've done right, something that I can be proud of."

From where she was standing by the semi-closed door, in the hallway, Kim Anderson took a deep breath. She turned on the spot and made her way back outside, past Harm and back to the boat. She had opened too many old wounds by coming here. She actually felt worse than she had the first time that she inflicted them, when Cate was still only a child. She had no right to be here, she realised. It was one thing, trying to come back into the home and life she had shared with her daughter in Glasgow. But it was totally another to trespass into the life that Cate had built without her. No, she had been right when she had left her home in Glasgow the last time. Cate was better off without her.

OOOO

The rest of the day was spent hard at work. Cate continued with her normal duties, although she looked as if heavy load-lifting was the last thing she needed. Harm tried to persuade her to rest for a while, but she refused, saying that she was fine.

"There's no problem, Harm. Not any more," she told him, insistently.

Harm just looked on, silently wondering if this was what her Mother had been like, in her young days. Had she refused to admit to her problems, too?

OOOO

The day passed and Harm and Mac returned home. An air of melancholy had settled onto the day's events, even those parts that did not concern what had happened between Cate and her Mother. Mac couldn't help replaying some of the memories of her own life. It was like looking in a mirror, all of the same symptoms, all of the same discords were there. And just like she had picked up the issues of abandonment from her Mother, so too had Cate. They both had different ways of dealing with it. Mac's way had been to drown out the memories with drink. Cate refused to let anyone close to her, refused to admit the problems of the past, that were still lurking beneath the surface, festering in the old, raw wounds. As Mac replayed her last meeting with her Mother, all of those years after her abandonment, she saw that there was some hope there. There were also a lot of painful memories, a lot of tender scars, but there was also a realisation there, too. Her Mother was a person as well. She had weaknesses, but she was fighting to overcome them. The first communication was a step in the right direction. Would Cate and her Mother ever have that? Could they ever see their way back to getting to know each other, if not as Mother and Daughter, then as the individuals they were? Or would the discord spread further? Into Cate's own family, when that time came?

As the tears began to slide down her face, Mac bowed her head. From his place by the kitchen worktop, Harm caught sight of this before Mac hid her face. Reciprocating these feelings he was seeing, he walked over to Mac and took her into his arms, holding her close as they both gave into the sorrow.

OOOO

That night, Cate lay dozing on her bunk. Finally slipping into deep sleep, her eyelids drifted open, slightly and her eyes began to move rapidly beneath the lids. Cate was dreaming, recalling memories of the past, from a long time ago.

OOOO

She was a child again, no more than three years of age and she was hurting. Delirious from fever and with a burning pain coming from her stomach, up her throat and into her mouth, little Caitlin Alexandra Anderson climbed from her bed on the living room couch. Her Mammy had pulled the duvet cover up over her, earlier that evening, telling her that she was to stay there tonight. Kim Anderson said that she could not put up with another night of lost sleep, with her daughter waking up from nightmares and wanting to climb into bed with her again. Nearing exhaustion and verging on a nervous breakdown, it was understandable that Kim Anderson needed a night to herself. But with her Mother only a few months in her grave and her new boyfriend away on one of his weeklong trips with his drinking pals, the sofa was as far as Cate, 'wee Alex' or 'Lexie' to her Mammy, was going to get. Caitlin simply acted on pure instinct, toddled along the hallway to her Mammy's bedroom. Would her Mammy be angry? She had said she was not to move from the sofa. Would her frazzled nerves be able to take any more? She was only eighteen years old herself, a mere child trying to cope with the demanding needs of another child with no help or assistance, now all on her own in the world.

Cate pushed open the bedroom door and walked over to the bed where the sleeping, inert form of her Mother lay.

"Mammy," the little girl cried, then louder, pulling at the bedclothes with her tiny hands, "Mammy!"

"Uhmmm?" Kim Anderson mumbled, still half-asleep.

"Poorly, Mammy," her child reported, now crying plaintively.

As Kim Anderson reached over and turned on the bedside lamp, little Caitlin felt a severe burning sensation creep in beneath her tongue, up into the back of her cheeks and around her neck. Before her Mammy could say anything, the tiny three-year-old vomited all down her pyjamas. Half crying, half coughing to clear her airways, Caitlin bent over and grabbed her tummy.

"Mammy!" she cried again then fell to her knees, where she vomited again twice, in quick succession. As Kim clambered out of bed, grabbed her child under the arms and went to lift her, the little girl went floppy and her eyes rolled back into her head.

"Alexandra…Cate? Caitlin!" Kim shouted, panic-stricken, "Alex, answer me! Talk to Mammy! Tell Mammy what's wrong!"

Caitlin wasn't able to say a thing, as her head fell back and she began to shake and convulse.

Gathering her child to her, Kim ran out of the bedroom and towards the front door.

Where should she go? The hospital was over three miles away. Should she call an ambulance? No, there was no phone in the house, it had been disconnected. Damn it! Her baby could be dying and she had no way of calling for help! A pay-phone? No…a neighbour! Who in the block had a phone? Her mind immediately spun to the couple in the flat below hers. In stocking feet and only a thin nightgown, Kim ran out the front door, down the corridor and down the steps to the floor below. She didn't even have her keys with her. If the door was blown shut then they would both be locked out of the flat. But that didn't matter; she had to find someone to help her baby. Kim's fist felt numb as she pounded on the flat door at the end of the hall with all her might. With the other arm, she cradled her shaking, unconscious baby. Would anyone answer? Why were they taking so long? Kim became hysterical again as she felt a trickle of wetness down her and realised that her child had wet herself. The wetness was leaking out of Caitlin's already soaking nappy.

"Open the door! I need your help! My baby's sick!" Kim screamed.

At that moment, a woman in her forties opened the door a crack and peered out. At the sight of the hysterical woman with the unconscious, convulsing child in her arms, she quickly unlatched the door and shouted to her husband.

"Peter, phone an ambulance! The baby upstairs is sick."

At this she turned to Kim and told her, "Let me take her, Kim. I know what I'm doing, I work at The Infirmary."

Reluctantly, Kim relinquished hold of her child, still sobbing hysterically.

"Please help my baby, I can't lose her. You've got to help her, she's all I've got, she my whole world."

As she examined the little girl, Nurse Clara McNair could see what the problem was. This child was running a sky-high fever and was way too hot. She had to be cooled down, straight away. Whisking the child to the bathroom, she cradled the tiny form against her as she bent to turn on the cold faucet of the bathtub all the way.

"Cate'sfar too hot, Kim," she explained to the distraught mother, "She's roasting in her own skin. We have to cool her down, right away. Don't you worry, the ambulance will be here, soon."

The bathroom was filled with the sounds of running water and Kim's heaving sobs. Clara carefully lifted the child into the cold water pooling in the bathtub and began to scoop water up over her with one hand, while cradling Cate in her other arm. As the minutes passed, the water soaked through the pink flannel pyjamas and nappy and cooled the skin beneath and Clara felt the convulsions in the little girl's body begin to slow.

"Where's the ambulance?" Kim despaired softly, wringing her hands, "It's been nearly twenty minutes…"

"Kim, you hold Cate in the water. Don't let her head go under," Clara told her, "I'll go and call the ambulance again, to make sure that they haven't got lost."

"But…but what do I do? What if she starts seizing badly again?" Kim stammered, panicking, "What if she wakes up?"

"The seizures should stop altogether, now that she's begun to cool down," Clara assured her, gently easing Caitlin into Kim's arms, "Just make sure that she stays in the cold water. If she wakes up, keep her calm. I'll be as quick as I can."

With that, Kim was left alone in the bathroom, cradling Caitlin in the bath of cold water. As the minutes passed, Kim's nerves settled and her shuddering sobs began to stop, her arms began to quit shaking.

A few seconds later, little Caitlin's eyes fluttered open and caught sight of her Mammy above her.

"Mamma," she groaned, her voice tired and weak.

"Alright baby, Mammy's got you," Kim comforted her daughter, instinctively holding her closer, bending into the bathtub so that Caitlin's little face was nuzzled into her neck. Her hair and one shoulder of her nightgown drooped into the bathwater, but Kim didn't even notice it.

"Mamma, cold," Caitlin bleated, wrapping her tiny arms around her Mammy's neck.

"I know, baby, I know. Mammy's got you now," Kim continued to comfort her, while Caitlin carried on crying, shakily.

Nuzzling her daughter softly, Kim began to sing to her comfortingly, the long-forgotten rhymes from her own days as a child, cuddled up in her own Mammy's arms. So much had happened to Kim since then, but it had not been all that long ago, no more than ten or eleven years since.

"Ally Bally, Ally Bally Bee,

Sitting on your mammy's knee,

Greeting for a wee bawbee,

To buy some Coulter's candy."

Peter McNair poked his head into the bathroom, telling Kim, "That's the ambulance just arrived. They got lost on the way here. Clara's gone down to meet them. They'll be up in just a few minutes. Everything's going to be alright now, Kim."

"Ally Bally, Ally Bally Bee,

Sitting on your mammy's knee,

Greeting for a wee Bawbee,

To buy some Coulter's candy."

OOOO

This song, 'Ally Bally Bee' was one of my favorites as a child, but please don't think I'm claiming it as my own. As far as I can find out, it isn't owned, but still, itis certainly not mine.


	12. Chapter 12

AN: again, thanks for all of the great reviews! This is the second to last part in this story. I'll be posting the last part sometime tonight...

OOOO

Harm and Mac had not been asleep long when they heard the knock on the apartment door, very likely set off balance by the events of the day. Harm stumbled out of bed to answer the door, while Mac took a moment longer to wake herself up fully. Harm got the surprise of his life when he opened the door to the sight of a shell-shocked Cate. The young woman stood in front of him for a second, staring unseeingly at some point inside the apartment.

"Cate? What's wrong? Are you alright?" Harm brought her out of her reverie.

Cate startled back to the present and looked up to him, seemingly in shock.

"What is it, Cate? Are you okay?" Harm repeated, this time with greater emphasis.

"Huh? Oh, yeah…maybe…I don't know…" Cate simply told him, suddenly uncertain herself.

"Come on in, come talk to us about it," Harm opened the door wider and Cate caught sight of Mac making her way out of the bedroom, dressed in a robe."

Cate backed up, realising the situation for the first time.

"Oh, … I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come here…It's way too late, I don't know what I was thinking…"

Harm quickly stepped forward, grabbing Cate gently by the shoulder.

"No, Cate. It's no problem, really. Come in, we can have some coffee and talk about this. It's okay, really."

Cate looked at him, then Mac, unsure at first. Eventually, after assessing the situation, she gave in and allowed herself to be steered inside.

"What is it Cate? Is there something wrong?" Mac asked her gently, as she patted the couch beside her, inviting Cate to sit.

Cate took the proffered seat then gave a deep sigh.

"Yeah, I think there is…I think I may not have been totally fair to my Mum…" she told them.

Both Harm and Mac noted the way Cate referred to her Mother. This was the first time either of them had heard Kim being referred to as 'Mum.' Giving Cate a kind, encouraging look, Mac put her hand over Cate's, but said nothing, not wanting to push Cate on the subject.

"What I said about her this afternoon was true," Cate continued, "She did leave me in a hospital when I was six weeks old. She did leave me in various supermarkets and high street shops, when I was between one and three. But that wasn't a full picture of my Mother…Up until now, I thought she was childish and irresponsible, all of the time. That was why I've been so angry, all of these years. I couldn't get past all of this anger. But, by telling her all of this, this afternoon, I think I've managed to see further through it. I'm not saying that I'm past it, that I don't feel it any more. But I can see beyond it. Tonight I remembered something. When I was about three, I was really sick and my Mum had to get help. And she did…she was a grown up, she was responsible. She was everything that I needed, everything that a Mother should be. And until quite recently, I thought that I was nothing but a burden to her. I was wrong, I can see now that it wasn't what she thought I couldn't be. It was what she thought she couldn't be. What she couldn't be for me. She didn't think she was good enough for me. She was so frightened of failing me. You know what she said, though? She said I was her whole world. That's what she said; 'she's my whole world.' I can see now, she was young, she didn't know what she was supposed to do. She was too scared to try, because she didn't want to let me down."

"Your Mom did tell us that she's always had self-esteem issues," Harm told Cate, "She took care of you, when you were sick?"

"Yeah, when I started having fits because of the fever, she couldn't call anyone. My Stepfather was gone, my Grandmother was dead. My Mum was all on her own. She was scared witless, but she did what she needed to do, she brought me to someone who had medical training and who could call an ambulance. She was so scared…"

"Your Mother was only eighteen years old," Mac added, " yet she did what she had to. I'm not surprised she was scared, any parent would be, even veteran parents would be."

Cate nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, she kept me calm, singing to me while we were waiting for the ambulance. It took so long to get there, but my Mum kept everything under control. I can't remember her ever being like that again, while I was growing up, just that one time…not that I remember of, anyway."

"When things are good, we sometimes take it for granted," Harm pointed out, "We remember the times most when things spin out of control."

Cate nodded, agreeing, "Yeah, I know. Before today, I couldn't remember my Mum ever being a proper Mother. But I know that she was, that time when I really needed her…It's all made me think, I don't know very much about my Mum at all…"

"Is that something that you think you could ever see yourself doing?" Mac asked her, gently.

Cate just sat and pondered, silent. Inside she was agonising, in turmoil.

Should she let this person back into her life? Could she? This was a person who had caused her a lot of hurt, over her twenty-two years of life. Internally, her body was conditioned to recoil, to avoid any further hurt. But what if this was a chance worth taking? Could she do this? Suddenly, Cate thought about the preliminary, more practical implications to be considered.

"How am I even supposed do that anyway?" Cate asked, in response to Mac's earlier question, "She's probably on a plane back to Glasgow, by now. Even if she isn't, how will I find her? I don't know where she's staying and I can't check every single hotel in KL…"

"Your Mom's at the Shangri-La," Harm cut in.

At Cate's questioning look, he explained, "It came up in conversation."

OOOO

After a good half-hour of contemplating, Cate finally crossed the room and hesitantly picked up the phone. After a couple of false starts, she called information and got the number for the Shangri-La hotel. After ascertaining that her Mother was still in the hotel and wouldn't be checking out until the next day, Cate crashed on the couch, to try and get some sleep, however futile the suggestion seemed. And to her surprise, Cate did sleep.

OOOO

It was early the next morning that Kim Anderson made her way out into the lobby of the Shangri-La hotel. She took a deep breath and made her way to the hotel reception desk, resigning herself to the fact that she would be checking out and journeying to KL International Airport so soon after arriving. Had she known this would happen? "Yes," she told herself. Subconsciously she had known. Her husband Jamie had told her that things would go fine, that Cate would accept her for the wonderful person that she really was, deep inside, just like he had done. But secretly, there was still that overpowering voice inside her head, telling her, "No, why would she want someone like you? You're a mess, a sad excuse for a Mother, for a human being. Always have been, always will be. A leopard can never change its spots." How had she ever thought that this could ever be any different? Sure, the people at her self-help group had told her that she had everything going for her, that she was in control of her own fate and destiny. But they were wrong. She was beyond help. Now, she just had to go home and hide herself away. Stop destroying people's lives. Had to stop inflicting herself on people. How could Jamie even stand to be with her?

She avoided eye contact with the hotel manager on the reception desk.

"Leaving us so soon, Mrs. Anderson-Scott?" He asked her.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. Things to do…" Kim trailed off.

"Well, please come and stay with us again. We'll always be glad to see you. Sometime soon, maybe?"

"Perhaps…we'll see," Kim answered, her tone non-committal.

She walked away after handing over a generous tip. She wouldn't be needing it, not now that she was leaving. She didn't even have any idea what she would do once she got home. Go back to life on her own? Perhaps that would be best. Goodness knew, she would never be able to make anything work with Jamie. Sooner or later, she'd mess that up, too. Breaking it off sooner would save him the pain. God, would she ever be able to do anything right?

Kim had been absorbed in her self-depreciating as she walked out to the automatic front doors of the hotel, towards the taxi pick-up point, where her bags had been dropped off. Just as the doors opened with a quiet swish, Kim was confronted by the last person she expected to see.

Cate had the same hair, same eyes, same mouth and pretty much the same build as her Mother. She and her Mother were pretty much identical in many of the aspects of their physical appearance. Both halted dead in their tracks, face to face. Kim's mouth dropped open a little, though her brain was unable to generate any words. Cate was the first to speak.

"I was unfair to you," she told Kim, quietly, "You weren't all of those things I told you…"

"No," Kim interrupted, her brain caught up, "You were right, I was all of those things. I was a terrible Mother."

"Maybe, at times, but not all of the time," Cate cut her off, determined to have her say, "I realised that I know very little about you."

"I never stayed around long enough," Kim dismissed, "I never gave you the chance to get to know me. It's probably better, I'd have just messed it up anyway. You were better off without a Mother."

"No, no I wasn't…But that's in the past, now," Cate insisted, "We can deal with that later. I don't know that I'm ready to have a Mother, yet…"

"Wise choice, Petal," Kim smiled as she went to move around Cate.

"But I want to know who you are. You're a person, too, not just my Mother. Do you think you could deal with that, letting me get to know you as a person? Getting to know me, as a person, too?"

Kim just stood and stared blankly, for a minute. Slowly, she spoke up.

"There's nothing I'd like better than to get to know the person you've grown up to be…But it's not something I deserve…I'd only mess it up, like everything else I've ever managed to do in my life."

"Maybe I think you do deserve it. I think it's something you can do," Cate disagreed, firmly, "In fact, I think that it could turn out pretty well."

Kim just looked at her, only half-convinced, so Cate continued.

"Please, don't leave again…I think that we could make this work…Don't think of this as you and me; mother and daughter. Think of it as Kim and Cate; two haphazard, crazy chicks, out to have a good time in KL. Could we give this a try?"

Kim felt the compulsion to say yes, but held back, thinking of every time she had managed to bungle the situation;

In Glasgow Royal Infirmary, when Cate was six weeks old; in Tesco's supermarket, when Cate was barely a year old; again when Cate was a year and a half, in Debenham's, a high street shop; when Cate was not even two, when she and Tam had eloped, leaving her sickly, ailing Mother to care for her child. No, Cate deserved better than this, better than her.

"I remember."

At first, Kim didn't comprehend what Cate had said. She leaned forward, as if to strain and catch some kind of explanation in the silent air between them. When Cate said nothing, Kim's head tipped to the side of it's own accord, mirroring the same action in Cate, the day before. Her puzzled face changed to one of comprehension, as she regarded Cate's rich, expressive eyes, eyes so like her own, eyes that she alone could read. Not that time when Cate was about three? Was that what Cate meant?

"Wuh…" she garbled, fishing for a word more appropriate. None were forthcoming.

Cate nodded, knowing exactly what her Mother was thinking.

"You were a Mother, that time…A Mother to be proud of, despite the fact that you were only eighteen years old…You see what you can do, if you just stand up to the challenge? You didn't fail that time, did you? You got everything right. You didn't even have to think about it. You just went with your instincts. You can be a good Mother. All you have to do is let your fear go for a minute, stop thinking so much…What do you say?"

Kim couldn't say anything. As a tear trickled down her face, she simply smiled.

OOOO

A few weeks later, Harm awoke as the first rays of the sun filled the bedroom. Looking to the pillow beside him, he focussed on Mac's face, close beside his own. He felt the breath catch in his throat as he regarded her silently.

"My God," he thought to himself, "It's been weeks now and I still can't get over how beautiful she is."

In her time with him, she looked much better-for-wear than she had when she had arrived. Though she was as svelte as ever, she didn't have the gaunt look her frame had displayed, after months apart from him, worrying about him. She was sleeping much better now, too. Better than she could ever remember. Her problems most likely stemmed from her troubled childhood, when she was kept awake at night by her parent's fighting. Perhaps she was now finally truly happy…But Harm knew that there was one thing that still really bothered her; her family back in DC. Their family in DC. Every time Mac made a phone call to Harriet, Harm noticed a faraway look in her eyes, as Harriet recounted amusing tales of little AJ or baby Jimmy. Harm only had to see the look on Mac's face and he knew. He couldn't force her to stay in KL. She wanted to be with him, that was true, but her life wasn't here. Despite what she had said about him being her whole life andher being happy as long as she had him in her life, Harm knew that Mac felt like a spare part. She didn't have a real purpose here. She didn't know the way of life, didn't interact with all of the people through work, as he did...No, it wasn't right of him to keep her here. He was going to have to make a tough choice.

OOOO


	13. Chapter 13

AN: Well, this is the last part. Hope you've all enjoyed the story! Thanks for all of the fantastic reviews; it was really great to read them!

OOOO

Things were still weighing on his mind when he and Mac were out and about in Chinatown, the next week. Noticing the tense look on his face, Mac reached out and took his hand in hers, smiling at him, softly.

"You okay?" she asked him, a little hesitantly.

"Yeah…Yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking," Harm answered, smiling back.

Her smile was enough to make his heart go pitter-patter. Just the sight of her was like a breath of fresh air to him. How did he even need to contemplate it at all? He knew exactly what he had to do…

Just then, they were unexpectedly interrupted by a shout through the crowd.

"Harm…Mac!"

Turning to look to their left, Harm and Mac caught sight of Cate and her Mother.

"Hey there!" Cate greeted them, "You out seeing the sights, too? It's the perfect day for it."

"Just thought we might do a little bit of shopping," Harm told her then turned to Kim, "How are you liking KL, so far?"

"Oh, it's wonderful," she enthused, "There's so much to do and see. Cate and I have been all around the Lake Gardens, this morning; in the butterfly park, the deer gardens and the bird park. Then we went to see Petronas Towers. I had visions of Sean Connery swinging from the connecting bridge!"

"There's a lot to do and see," Harm encouraged, "If you're enjoying the shops along here, I suggest going to see Central Market."

"It's a great place for trinkets," Mac added, "and the restaurants there are out of this world."

"We may get around to that, at some point," Cate grinned, "After this we're going along to see the Islamic Arts Museum. They have on a display of Syrian and Turkish artefacts from the reign of the Ottoman Empire. We were thinking of going down to KL Plaza, later tonight and having dinner at Planet Hollywood. Would you guys like to join us?"

"Thanks, but we've got plans tonight," Mac told them, "But we'll definitely have to do something, another time."

"Okay, just come on down if you change your mind," Cate told them, before she and her Mum disappeared back into the crowd.

"You don't mind staying in tonight, do you?" Harm asked her.

"No, you've already bought all of the meat for the barbecue," Mac insisted, "I don't think it would be safe to keep it for another few nights. You'll probably be working late, the rest of the week."

"True," Harm commented. Goodness knew, he would be working pretty hard for a couple of weeks to come, to make up for what he was about to ask of Barry Delaney.

OOOO

Later that night, Harm and Mac were sitting out on the veranda, in the night's gentle breeze.

"You weren't disappointed about not going out with Cate and Kim, tonight, were you?" Harm asked Mac, who seemed to be deep in thought.

"No, of course not," Mac replied, "We'll do it some other time."

"What was it that you were thinking about?" Harm continued.

"Nothing important," Mac dismissed, quietly.

Harm decided to leave it for the moment, though he was by no means dropping the subject.

Cicada chirps filled the humid air as Harm sat across the patio table, facing Mac.

'She definitely has something on her mind, that was for sure. What was she thinking about?' Harm wondered to himself, 'Was she thinking about home?'

"Sarah?" he prodded, gently.

"Huh?" Mac glanced up to him, caught up by his use of her given name. It wasn't often that he called her 'Sarah.'

"Sarah," he repeated, quietly, "I can see that you aren't happy here…"

"What?" Mac looked confused, "Where did this come from?"

"You've seemed bothered for some time now," Harm replied, "It's living here in KL, isn't it?"

"No…" Mac started, "No, it's fine, here in KL. But what puts the icing on the cake is that I'm here with you. I could live anywhere, as long as you were there, too. My life is with you…besides, as a Marine, I got used to travelling around so much. It became a way of life."

"But you were settled in DC for so long," Harm pointed out, "You made friends, you became part of a family, there…"

"And they're still my family," Mac interrupted, "Just because they're far away, it doesn't mean that I don't still have them as part of my family. Besides, the most important person in my life is here, sitting right across this table from me. Anywhere you go Harm, I want to go, too."

"I'd never want to keep you here, if it kept you from being happy, Mac," Harm maintained, "Your happiness can't survive just on my love alone. I'm not going to jeopardise your happiness for my job out here…"

"What are you saying, Harm?" Mac asked him, looking him in the eye, intently.

"I think we need our family, Mac," Harm stated with conviction, "This isn't the life for us…I came out here to escape, to try and leave my problems behind me. I don't think that we're going to be able to work forward from where we are, without the help of our friends and family. For the sake of both of our own sanities, I think we need to go back and confront what we left behind us."

"Are you sure that this is something that you really want, Harm?" Mac asked him, seriously, "I need to know that this is something you really want, as well. If you're just doing this for me, then we'll end up with a lot of hostility and resentment between us…"

"I'm certain of it, Mac. This is something that I need. And I think we need this too, Mac," Harm told her, "We've got nowhere to go onto, from here. This isn't our home, we can't make any more progress, until we've gone home to DC to confront everything that we left behind us. I think I need to mend some pretty big fences with my family and with everyone at JAG."

Mac thought over it then added, "I do, too. Everyone was dealing with your leaving and they were taking it pretty hard. Then I resigned my own commission and left."

Harm nodded, "I don't know how on earth we're going to get them to trust us again. I guess that we'll just have to earn it. It'll take a long time, but I'm not going to stop, until they know that I'm not going to run away anywhere, anymore."

"What about your work, here?" Mac asked, "What's the firm going to think?"

"I've never really settled into civilian law, here," Harm confided in Mac, "It's definitely not for me…If it weren't for the volunteer work, I think I would have packed my bags, long before now. In a way, I think that Barry Delaney knows that. Sepadan was the only thing I ever really immersed myself in."

"And Cate?" Mac asked.

Harm thought about it for a minute, then let out a big sigh.

"I…It's going to be hard to say goodbye to Cate," he acknowledged, "But she's got her Mother, now. I think she'll be okay, with her Mom to support her. She's an incredibly strong person. And, of course, the people at Sepadan are her life. She's going to do a lot of good, there…and I think that it's time that I re-address some old issues with my Mother and Frank. There are things that I've discovered about my time with my little sister that I need to tell them about…"

Mac nodded, in agreement

"So, we're in agreement, then?" Harm asked her, "It's time for us to go home?"

Mac nodded, "Yeah. It's time to go home…"

OOOO

A long time later, Mac lay awake in the darkness. Harm lay spooning her from behind, his arm curled round her body, resting on her stomach. It felt as if weight had been lifted from her, her mind was now at ease. And not because she and Harm were finally going home, but perhaps she had been brooding for her friends and family in DC, without even realising it. But that was understandable really, especially at this monumental point in her life…and being so far away from home, too. Harm was right, she now realised. KL held nothing for them as a couple, now. Their shared life lay in DC, where their friends and family were there to support them. Too much had been left unsaid, it was time to go home and re-address those issues.

As Harm snuggled up behind her, Mac's gaze drifted down to where Harm's hand rested on her stomach.

OOOO

The next morning, Mac awoke to see Harm getting dressed for work.

" Morning, sleepyhead!" he teased her, gently.

"Hey there," she greeted him, then questioned, "What time is it?"

Harm halted in buckling up his belt and stared at her, disbelieving.

"Aren't I usually the one to ask you that?" he asked her, amused.

"My internal clock seems to have been thrown off a bit, lately," Mac told him, grinning, then asked again, "What time is it?"

"0612."

"Are you in a rush to get into work?" Mac asked him.

Harm thought about it, for a minute, then replied, "No, I suppose not…I was going to go in early and try to make a dent in my mountain of paperwork, but I guess it can wait…"

A lascivious grin spread across his face as he continued, "Why? Have you got something else in mind for us to do?"

"Maybe," Mac answered, non-commitally, teasing him just a little bit.

Harm dropped to sit on the bed, next to her, pulling her in for a kiss.

"Hmm…" Mac noted aloud, once they had broken apart, "Looks like you have some ideas of your own…"

"That I do," Harm agreed, lying down with her, wrapping his arms around Mac, pulling her in closer to him.

"Well," Mac spoke up quietly, as Harm dropped his head to kiss his way down the soft skin of her neck, "That wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'm not going to complain…"

"Hmm?" Harm asked her, from his place, nibbling at her neck, "What was it that you had in mind?"

"I thought we might carry on the conversation that you started, last night."

"But I thought that we'd resolved all of that," Harm brought his head up to look at her, "We both agreed that going home was something that we both needed to do…"

"No," Mac interrupted him, "That's not what I'm talking about…"

"What do you mean, then?" Harm asked, thinking about exactly what he had talked about, the night before.

"Before you started talking about going home to DC..." Mac prompted him.

"I asked you if you were unhappy in KL," Harm guessed.

"Before that…" Mac told him.

"Umm…I asked if you were disappointed about not going out with Kim and Cate?"

"No, after that…"

"After that?" Harm asked, thinking hard, "…I asked you what you were thinking about?"

"Yeah."

"And you said nothing important…"

"Uh-huh," Mac confirmed, "Well, actually, I'm not quite sure if it is or not…"

"Is it about Kim and Cate?" Harm asked her.

Mac shook her head, "No."

"Is it about going back to DC?" he asked again.

"No," Mac told him, "but it may impact our life in DC, a bit."

"It's not about Clayton Webb, is it?" Harm asked her.

"Most definitely not," Mac answered him, "but I did get things sorted out with Clay. He and I decided that we'd like to remain friends."

"Is there anything wrong, Sarah?" Harm asked, beginning to get worried.

"I'm not sure," Mac told him, truthfully.

Harm just stared at her intently as he gathered his courage.

"What is it, Sarah?" he requested, softly, promising her, "You can tell me anything. I'll always be there for you. Whatever it is, we'll deal with it, together."

"This isn't exactly ideal, right now," Mac told him, "Especially now that we're going home and now that we've got so much to deal with, with everybody back in DC…"

"But?" Harm encouraged her softly.

Mac locked eyes with him and studied him for a minute. Seeing nothing but love and devotion in his eyes, she continued;

"I'm pregnant…"

Harm's eyes went wide and he remained exactly where he was, as the news sank in.

Mac just studied his face, searching for any sign about how he felt about this. She saw amazement, of that she was sure, but she couldn't tell what context of amazement it was.

"Well?" she asked him, expectantly.

"I'm going to be a Dad?" Harm asked her, incredulously, "We're going to have a baby!"

"Are you okay with that?" Mac asked him, softly.

"Of course I am!" Harm exclaimed, breaking out into a grin.

Mac felt herself begin to breathe again, with this news.

"How long have you suspected…?" Harm asked her.

"Just the past week, or so," Mac told him, "I didn't want to say anything until I was pretty sure…butI'd definatelysay we're going to have a baby, now!"

"Oh, Sarah," Harm sighed, pulling Mac into his arms, "This is absolutely wonderful…I know we've got some unresolved issues, back home, but there is nothing unresolved in our relationship. My love for you is now only rivalled by my love for our child."

"So you're really okay about this?" Mac ascertained, "You're not too shocked or anything?"

"It came as a little bit of a shock," Harm admitted, "but a good one. There's nothing else I want more than children with you…well, except maybe to make you my wife…"

It was now Mac's turn to be surprised.

"What?" she asked, her mouth open, "Are you asking me…?"

"Uh-huh," Harm told her, "And not because our child is on the way…I've been thinking about this for a while, now."

At this, Harm rolled over and reached to open the drawer of his bedside table. He pulled out a small, square, velvet box and rolled back to face Mac.

"Sarah MacKenzie," he told her, flipping open the jewellery box to reveal a diamond solitaire ring inside, "I've got something I need to ask you…"

Mac broke into a smile, one that made Harm's heart constrict with happiness, inside his chest.

"Uh-huh?" she asked him, playing along with him.

"Will you marry me?" Harm asked her, "You're already the mother of my child and I could only ever be happier than I am now if you did me the great honour of becoming my wife…"

Mac felt tears of joy escaping her eyes and trickling down her cheeks and it seemed that she just couldn't stop smiling.

"Of course I will, Harm," she assented to the man she loved, "Nothing would make me happier than to become you wife."

Harm smiled back at her as he took her hand and slipped the ring onto her finger.

"Perfect," he proclaimed, studying the ring on her finger, "Just like my fiancée, just like our child…"

With this, Harm leaned down to brush a soft kiss on Mac's lips then telling her, "I love you, Sarah…"

"I love you, too, Harm," she pledged back wrapping her arms around his neck, pulling him back into a deep kiss.

As Harm kissed his beautiful fiancée, one hand went to tangle in the back of her hair and rub soft circles in her hairline, while the other went to caress her abdomen, where their child was sleeping. They snuggled for a while, then around seven, Harm decided that he should probably get going. As it happened, he had to change his suit, as the first one had gotten wrinkled up and he wouldn't have time to re-iron it.

OOOO

All through the day, he had trouble concentrating on work, he kept catching himself unconsciously grinning at the top of his desk.

"I know that there's an interesting story behind that," Barry Delaney caught him, part-way through the day, "What's got you floating on cloud nine?"

Harm jumped in his seat, then smiled, sheepishly.

"Uh, yeah," he admitted, "There is a story behind it, Barr. I'm going to need to talk to you about my current situation…"

By the time Harm was finished, Barry had taken a seat at his desk and was nodding, understandingly. Harm was frankly quite surprised how understanding he was, despite the fact that he had never really settled into civilian law very well.

"To be honest, Harm," Barry explained to him, "I could tell that this wasn't the place for you…so you and Mac are going back to DC?"

"Yeah," Harm nodded, "We've got some things that we really need to sort out back there…I left things in kind of a mess."

"Can I ask you something?" Barry requested, softly.

Harm nodded and Barry proceeded, "How come you'd travel all of this way? You never told me why you'd left home…All you said was that you'd given that offer of mine some careful consideration and decided to take me up on it…Was it Mac? Did something happen between the two of you?"

Harm nodded and told Barry truthfully, "Mac and I go back a long way. Our relationship wasn't as serious as it is now, but we were much more than friends. Our history is very complicated and there have always been a lot of things that have gotten in the way of our 'getting together.' Hell, most of the time, it was our own insecurities and crazy actions. But right before I called you, I'd come up with the ridiculous notion that the best thing would be to run away and start my life again…over time, I knew that was something that I just couldn't do. Everything is sorted between us now, but we left quite a bit of devastation in our wake. We really owe it to some pretty dedicated family members to go and make things up to them."

"I'm glad that things are okay between you and Mac," Barry told him, genuinely, "When you arrived out here, I could tell that something wasn't quite right with you. When Mac showed up, I knew straight away that she was the missing piece of the puzzle. Even Cate said to me, 'That's definitely it. There's something between the two of them, mark my words.' Huh, looks like I owe her a dinner out in town, now!"

Harm just laughed and Barry noted that, now, the smile really reached his eyes. It made his heart glad to see it. Harm, he had always noted, had been a person who picked the short straw in life. He knew about Harm's childhood, had been one of the few people to whom Harm had opened up to, at the academy. He had also kept in touch Luke Pendry, before the man's death. He had heard about Harm's ramp crash, then his transfer to law. Through Luke Pendry's widow, Annie, he also knew that Harm's old friend and subsequent girlfriend, Dianne Schonke, had been murdered and that Harm had been involved in the investigation. Barry knew that any lesser man would have given up in the face of such an onslaught. It was great to see that Harm had managed to pick himself up and get to this stage.

Harm was still smiling, like some kind of love-struck fool, on the other side of the desk.

"I'm glad for you, Harm," Barry continued, "I really wish you and Mac the best of luck."

Harm just smiled even wider and Barry looked at him, questioningly.

"Hmm," Harm shook his head, trying to get his thoughts back to the present, "I asked Mac to marry me and she said, 'yes.'"

Barry broke into a wide grin.

"And she found out, earlier this week, we're going to have a baby…"

"Some guys get all the luck," Barry teased him, laughing, "Harm, you're an extremely lucky guy. You make sure that you let Mac see just how happy you are."

"Oh, I intend to, Barry," Harm assured him, as Barry got up to get back to work, "I'm definitely going to show her that she makes me the happiest man in the world."

The End


End file.
